Teasing vs. Taunting

DACHER KELTNER wrote a long article entitled In Defense of Teasing (NY Times Magazine 12-5-08). A bit long-winded, in my opinion, but some passages rang true for me. I will share those passages and then my thoughts:

1. Today teasing has been all but banished from the lives of many children. In recent years, high-profile school shootings and teenage suicides have inspired a wave of “zero tolerance” movements in our schools. Accused teasers are now made to utter their teases in front of the class, under the stern eye of teachers. Children are given detention for sarcastic comments on the playground. Schools are decreed “teasing free.”

2. The reason teasing is viewed as inherently damaging is that it is too often confused with bullying. But bullying is something different; it’s aggression, pure and simple. Bullies steal, punch, kick, harass and humiliate. Sexual harassers grope, leer and make crude, often threatening passes. They’re pretty ineffectual flirts. By contrast, teasing is a mode of play, no doubt with a sharp edge, in which we provoke to negotiate life’s ambiguities and conflicts. And it is essential to making us fully human.

3. Teasing is just such an act of off-record communication: provocative commentary is shrouded in linguistic acts called “off-record markers” that suggest the commentary should not be taken literally. At the same time, teasing isn’t just goofing around. We tease to test bonds, and also to create them. To make it clear when we’re teasing, we use fleeting linguistic acts like alliteration, repetition, rhyming and, above all, exaggeration to signal that we don’t mean precisely what we’re saying. (“Playing the dozens,” a kind of ritualized teasing common in the inner city that is considered a precursor to rap, involves just this sort of rhyming: “Don’t talk about my mother ’cause you’ll make me mad/Don’t forget how many your mother had.”) We also often indicate we are teasing by going off-record with nonverbal gestures: elongated vowels and exaggerated pitch, mock expressions and the iconic wink, well-timed laughs and expressive caricatures. A whiny friend might be teased with a high-pitched imitation or a daughter might mock her obtuse father by mimicking his low-pitched voice. Preteens, sharp-tongued jesters that they are, tease their parents with exaggerated facial expressions of anger, disgust or fear, to satirize their guardians’ outdated moral indignation. Similarly, deadpan deliveries and asymmetrically raised eyebrows (Stephen Colbert), satirical smiles and edgy laughs (Jon Stewart) all signal that we don’t entirely mean what we say.

I think teasing is acceptable behavior as long as we define the difference between teasing and taunting (purposeful, hurtful comments). We need to make sure kids understand the difference between playful teasing and hurtful taunting so they can continue to use a very common type of humor, yet avoid bullying and the expression of disrespectful and insensitive behavior. Sharing this knowledge and practicing the skill will help them navigate the very powerful, difficult and fun concept of respectful humor.

The following excerpt from my book How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression:
Elementary Grade Lessons and Activities That Teach Empathy, Friendship, and Respect (co-authored by Michael Dreiblatt and Karen Dreiblatt, Corwin Press) expresses how we at Balance Educational Services differentiate good humor and hurtful words.

Teasing is a playful use of humor that brings people together, lightens a mood, enhances a relationship, and makes people laugh. A funny person who can playfully tease is usually popular and able to maintain healthy friendships.

Playful teasing can be a good use of humor when it has the following qualities:
• It isn’t intended to hurt the other person.
• It’s funny in a lighthearted, clever, and gentle way; the comment lightens a mood.
• It’s stated in a tone of voice that is affectionate.
• It is mutual; meant to get both parties to laugh.
• It’s used to bring people closer together and make the relationship stronger.
• It maintains the basic dignity of everyone involved (nobody gets embarrassed or humiliated).
• The teasing can go back and forth—not limited to only one person being allowed to make the comments.
• It is only a small part of the activities between the people involved—teasing doesn’t define the whole relationship.
• It stops if someone becomes upset or objects to the comments.
• No one gets upset or wants revenge.

A person can also make others laugh by using humor inappropriately; this is when humor becomes hurtful taunting. When teasing is misused, purposefully or accidentally, problems tend to follow.
It is hurtful taunting when it has the following qualities:
• It is intended to upset another.
• It is one-sided—one person has a certain power and can make comments, but the other person cannot.
• It is mean, humiliating, cruel, demeaning, or bigoted.
• It is meant to diminish the self-worth of the target.
• It induces fear of further taunting or physical bullying.
• It continues even when the targeted person becomes upset or objects to the comments.
• It uses an angry, snide, or sarcastic tone of voice.
• Bystanders laugh, but not the target(s) of the comment.
• Aggressive body language is used—smirking, rolling eyes, raised hip, shaking head back and forth.

After articulating the difference between teasing and taunting (or whatever words is common to your culture) to kids, help them understand the concept by offering short scenarios in which they have to determine if the interchange between the characters is playful or hurtful. For example:

‘As a new student, Bart was still trying to fit in and make friends. At lunch, someone slid a whoopee cushion on Bart’s seat. It made a farting sound when he sat down.

The other kids started calling Bart ‘Bart the Fart.’

Bart asked people to stop calling him ‘Bart the Fart.’ Now they call him ‘Fathead Farty.’

Bart is miserable.’

No one should tease another if they don’t know them well, don’t get along with them, or know they do not like being teased. To do so under those conditions would be taunting. Discuss with your kids or students what topics should never be teased about, such as a person’s religion, body type, etc. to limit hurtful behavior.

Good humor is very difficult to master and instead of prohibiting teasing, which I do not think is practical, I prefer teaching kids to understand what teasing is, to use it appropriately and when to refrain. These lessons will prepare them for the real world, inside and outside of school. Mistakes will still be made and some kids will test the boundaries so adults should be prepared to express respectful reminders and logical consequences that reduce these ‘mistakes.’

I know not every educator agrees with me, so please, share your thoughts.

Steve