When parents should butt into kid's battles

Another kid is bullying your child on the playground.

Should you butt in? Not immediately, unless your child's safety is at stake. "If you're there, watch closely and give your child a chance to solve the problem on her own," says DeBroff.
The same goes for school: It's better first to equip your child with skills to stay safe and empower her to resolve the situation on her own. Realism: Good old-fashioned playtime
How to handle it: Rehearse ways for your child to respond. For example, if your child has a sense of humor, she can use a retort like "No, I'm not a baby, but thanks for asking," spoken in an assertive tone of voice. Otherwise, she can employ a strong "Cut it out" before walking away.
"Have her practice standing up straight, chest out, like she's wearing a bulletproof vest that taunts bounce right off of," says Borba.
When to reconsider: If the bullying persists and your child feels threatened, get involved. If you are the one intervening on the playground, nonchalantly pull your child out of the situation (snack time!) before discussing it. Talking to her in front of the bully could be more embarrassing.
If the bullying is at school, ask a teacher to keep an eye out. Most schools take bullying seriously -- 39 states have laws addressing it -- so teachers should have practices in place. To learn more, check out StopBullyingNow.hrsa.gov, which has suggestions for both parents and kids.

“Operation Columbine”

Jurors in Hillsborough, North Carolina will resume deliberations Friday morning in the murder and assault trial of Alvaro Castillo. Castillo, now 21, is charged with shooting his father, Rafael, 65, several times in the head then driving to his former high school and opening fire on students, injuring two.
On Thursday, the jury of six men and six women heard more than four hours of closing arguments from the attorneys. At the end of the day, jurors deliberated for half an hour before being sent home. The jury foreperson is a man who used to work in a state crime lab.
Closing arguments focused on Castillo’s state of mind on August 30, 2006, the day of the shootings. Castillo, then 18, was mentally ill and had been treated for depression since a suicide attempt four months earlier. He admits that he committed the acts he’s charged with but says he should not be held criminally responsible. At trial, critical evidence introduced by the prosecution included eight hours of videos he recorded between April and August 2006 and his diary from 2006, all of which gave mental health professionals unique insight into Castillo’s thought processes and mental disorders.

Missouri woman charged in cyber-bully case

A Missouri woman is accused of cyber-bullying for allegedly posting photos and personal information of a teenage girl on the "casual encounters" section of Craigslist after an Internet argument.Prosecutors said Elizabeth A. Thrasher put the 17-year-old's picture, e-mail address and cellphone number on the website in a posting that suggested the girl was seeking a sexual encounter.St. Charles County police said the victim was the daughter of Thrasher's ex-husband's girlfriend. The girl received lewd messages and photographs from men she didn't know and contacted police.

Standing Up to a Bully

If your child is verbally bullied, teach him or her how to respond effectively. Discuss the following strategies with your child. Practicing the strategies with you or another trusted adult will help develop the confidence to end the bullying. If the bullying is happening at school, speak to your child's classroom teacher or advisor so they can help.

Ignore the Bully
Teach your child to ignore the bully. Your child should not make faces, cry, sigh, or make any gesture signaling distress. Often, when bullies don't get a reaction, they stop.

Walk Away
Your child can choose to walk away in a confident manner - head up, back straight and with a normal walking pace. Your child needs to be aware of being followed and walk to a safer place, usually near adults. If the bully says mean things, continue to ignore and walk away.

Tell the Bully to "Stop"

Keeping a distance of 1½ to 2 arm lengths, have your child say, "Stop!" or, "Cut it out!" Teach your child to:
Make eye contact.
Express confident body language; head up, back straight, arms down in front or on the side of the body and feet at shoulder width. No fidgeting!
Speak clearly - a steady tone, not too loud, too soft, whiny or sarcastic.
Make short statements such as, "Stop!" or "Cut it out!"
Then turn and walk away.

Go to a Trusted Adult

When other strategies fail, or there is immediate danger, tell your child to go to a trusted adult. This is not tattling; this is requesting assistance with a serious problem.

©2008 http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?t=4cd8vqcab.0.0.jt48c7bab.0&ts=S0361&p=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.balanceeducationalservices.com%2F&id=preview Permission is granted to use this article.

How to respond if you're in a cyber-fight

Email or IM the following:

"I really don't want to talk about this online."
"I think it's easier to talk about this over the phone or in person."
"Can I call you right now? (or, "Can we talk tomorrow at school at [suggested time]?").
If the other person continues the fight, log off.
What to do if you are being cyber-bullied
People who cyber bully do so because it makes them feel powerful. Anything you can do to give the impression that you are not bothered will make it less satisfying for the cyber-bully. For example:
Turn off your computer or cell phone -- Being ignored gets boring for the bully.

Block mean messages -- 71% of teens think that blocking abusive messages is the most effeective way to prevent cyber-bullying. ISPs, email programs and social network programs have information about blocking messages.

Don't respond or cyber-bully back -- You don't have to be a doormat, but don't be provoked into retaliating because that is exactly what the bully wants. Don't play their game!

Talk to an adult you trust -- Let them know what you need them to do (and not do) to put a stop to the bullying. It's also a good idea to try and tell the people that you live with. Being bullied can cause changes in your behavior that will worry them. If they know what's going on, they'll be more understanding.

Print it out or save it -- If you're receiving bullying messages of any kind, print them out or save them. You, and the adults in your life, may want the evidence if you ever decide to take action against a cyber-bully.

Address your feelings -- Being bullied can feel really bad. Talk to a friend or trusted adult, write out your feelings in a journal, express your feelings through art, music or creative writing.

Participate in activities that you are good at and make you feel good -- Being bullied is upsetting. Being involved in activities you enjoy can help cancel out the way the cyber-bully makes you feel.

Post how you respond to a cyber-fight.

Remember to go to www.BalanceEducationalSevices.com for more bullying prevention ideas.

Teaching Empathy

Empathy is the ability to feel what others are feeling. Empathy is the identification with, and the understanding of, another's situation, emotions and motives. In other words, it is the ability to see the world through that person's eyes. Empathy influences us to treat others with respect and kindness; in turn it reduces violence and cruelty to others.

Most people are born with the ability to be empathetic. However, certain life experience can diminish that ability. Children who have experienced domestic violence or some other form of abuse are especially at-risk for diminished empathy.

Research supports the provision of empathy training to increase empathetic feelings and pro-social behavior. Research also shows an impressive correlation between students' training and skills in empathetic understanding and their academic performance.

Click Here for Empathy Lesson Plans!

Working with the Bullied Child

Research has revealed common characteristics and profiles among students who are repeatedly bullied. One group is referred to as passive (a.k.a. submissive) victims, another as provocative victims. Clarifying the behaviors of a student who is repeatedly bullied can lead to strategies that reduce victimization.

Passive victims signal, through attitude and behaviors, that they are insecure and will not respond strongly if bullied. They are often:

-Physically weaker than others their age
-Afraid of being hurt, have poor physical coordination and don't do well in sports
-Have poor social skills and have difficulty making friends
-Are cautious, sensitive, quiet, withdrawn and shy
-Are anxious, insecure, and cry or become upset easily
-Have poor self-esteem
-Have difficulty standing up for or defending themselves, physically and verbally

Provocative victims express behaviors that often irritate others and incite negative reactions. They often:

-Have poor social skills -- appear to instigate the bullying
-Are hyperactive, restless, and have difficulty concentrating
-Are clumsy, immature, and exhibit irritating habits
-Do not develop strong friendships
-Are hot-tempered and attempt to fight back, ineffectively and sometimes entertainingly, when victimized
-Pick on smaller kids

If the bullied child has traits familiar to either list, altering their behavior may help reduce further bullying and develop self-esteem, resiliency and empowerment - qualities that will limit further victimization.For instance, teach passive victims to respond assertively to bullies with details that include specific language and how to express confident body language, eye contact, and tone of voice. These students will also need to practice social skills and learn activities appreciated by peers.

Provocative victims also need to learn age appropriate skills. They will need help from a caring adult to become aware of behaviors that generate negative reactions from others. They may also need help with emotional management techniques.

Social skills training should be incorporated into behavior plans, classroom lessons, and IEPs (Individualized Education Plans).

Although some behaviors do perpetuate bullying, no one ever deserves to be bullied!

For more information and other bully prevention strategies, contact Balance Educational Services 1-802-362-5448 © 2008 www.BalanceEducationalServices.com

What will I learn?

Learn fun and interactive lesson plans that teach pro-social behaviors and fulfill State education requirements.

Attendees will learn how to:

* Create a 'same page' understanding of bullying, social aggression and harassment throughout the school

* Teach all staff an easy 4-Step response to stop bullying quickly

* Implement consequences that replace bullying with pro-social behavior

* Teach targets of bullying how to stand up to a bully safely and effectively

* Teach student bystanders to stop others from bullying

* Recognize the dynamics of social aggression

* Apply practical strategies to confront social aggression and cyber bullying

What Students Need to Know About Cyber Bullying

Cyber bullying is intentional wrongdoing and the cyber bully can be held responsible by a court of law under the following circumstances:
-Publishing a false statement about another which is damaging to their reputation
-Publicly disclosing a private fact about another
-Breaking into someone's account
-Purposely causing someone emotional distress

The following actions may be considered criminal, regardless if it happens online or directly:
-Making threats of violence to people or their property
-Trying to force someone to do something he or she doesn't want to do
-Sending obscene or harassing text messages, emails, pictures, telephone calls, etc.
-Harassment or stalking
-Creating or sending sexually explicit images of teens (considered child pornography even if sent by another child)
-Taking a photo of someone in place where privacy is expected (locker room, bathroom, etc.)

(c) 2009 http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?t=4enbmwcab.0.0.jt48c7bab.0&ts=S0385&p=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.balanceeducationalservices.com%2F&id=preview
Permission is granted to use this article with full credit.

For more information and other bully prevention strategies, contact Balance Educational Services at 1-802-362-5448 info@BalanceEducationalServices.com

Is Your Staff Really Prepared To Stop Bullying???

"It is clear that, without intervention, bullying can lead to serious social, emotional, physical, academic, and legal problems for those involved. It is also clear that comprehensive efforts involving school staff, parents, students, and the broader community are likely to reduce and preavent bullying more effectively than a single, isolated approach. While studies of successful anti-bullying programs are somewhat scarce in the United States, evaluation data from other countries suggest that a comprehensive approach can change student attitudes and behaviors and increase adults' willingness to intervene. Although teachers, counselors, and parents may be able to deal with individual cases of bullying as they come up, such interventions are unlikely to have a significant impact on the incidence of bullying at school. Bullying often goes undetected by teachers, school staff, and parents. In fact, adults typically identify less than 10 percent of bullying incidents -- partly because bullying tends to occur in unsupervised areas and partly because many adults simply do not understand the dynamics of bullying. Adults throughout the school community -- including administrators, teachers, health personnel, bus drivers, and cafeteria workers -- require training on this important issue if they are to understand, recognize, and know how to deal with bullying.
The entire school, as well as the broader community, must further be involved in bullying prevention efforts in order to create a positive climate in which caring and considerate interactions thrive and aggressive actions are deemed unacceptable. Isolated prevention and intervention strategies do not alone allow for the promotion of norms against bullying. Young people require positive modeling, proactive instruction, and ongoing support if they are to make decisions and take actions in favor of potential victims and in opposition to potential aggressors." Exploring the Nature and Prevention of Bullying

When was the last time your staff received effective, high quality bullying prevention training? Call or email 1-802-362-5448 or info@BalanceEducationalServices.com to schedule a Fall '09 professional development presentation.

Teen Commits Suicide Due to Bullying: Parents Sue School for Son's Death

Eric Mohat, 17, was harassed so mercilessly in high school that when one bully said publicly in class, "Why don't you go home and shoot yourself, no one will miss you," he did.
In a federal lawsuit, the parents of Eric Mohat allege that their son committed suicide after being tormented by bullies at his Mentor, Ohio, High School. They say the school knew about the bullying and failed to protect their son.

Now his parents, William and Janis Mohat of Mentor, Ohio, have filed a lawsuit in federal court, saying that their son endured name-calling, teasing, constant pushing and shoving and hitting in front of school officials who should have protected him.
The lawsuit -- filed March 27, alleges that the quiet but likable boy, who was involved in theater and music, was called "gay," "fag," "queer" and "homo" and often in front of his teachers. Most of the harassment took place in math class and the teacher -- an athletic coach -- was accused of failing to protect the boy.
"When you lose a child like this it destroys you in ways you can't even describe," Eric Mohat's father told ABCNews.com.
The parents aren't seeking any compensation; rather, they are asking that Mentor High School recognize their son's death as a "bullicide" and put in place what they believe is a badly needed anti-bullying program.

By SUSAN DONALDSON JAMES ABC News

Is Your Camp Staff Really Prepared to Stop Bullying???

It's that time of year... when parents are preparing to send 10 million of their children to summer camp. 1 in 5 American kids will be away from home this summer, facing everything from bug bites to bullying in the cabin.
That's right. Bullying - from gossiping, name-calling, and shunning to punching, hitting, and physical intimidation - isn't reserved for the schoolyard. It's a growing problem for summer camp directors, camp counselors, and the parents of their campers.

There is something camps can do about bullying. Mike Dreiblatt uses interactive techniques - such as role-playing and lots of audience participation - to help camp counselors and staff find the most effective ways to recognize, prevent, and stop bullying from "day one".
Why is bullying important right now? With an increase in bullying awareness, parents are anxious about sending their kids far away from home. They know that bullying not only undermines a child's self-worth but also makes the target feel intimidated, threatened, unsupported, and unsafe (physically and emotionally).
With a downturn in the economy, parents are also weighing how they spend money. The result? Parents wonder whether it's worth footing a summer camp's hefty bill.
Here's the good news! Camps that offer bullying prevention training reassure worried parents and campers that they are able to nip the problem in the bud. When campers have safe and happy times away from home, they thrive. When the summer camping experience is positive, camp reputations are strengthened, enrollments increase, and existing campers return year after year.
Balance Educational Services, a Manchester Center, Vermont-based consulting and training company, has provided custom-designed student presentations, staff workshops, and parent workshops to school systems and summer camps across the country. Its goal is to teach people how to recognize and minimize bullying and other forms of anti-social behavior in children and supervising adults.

School Shooters Were Bullied

As we look back on the tenth anniversary of the Columbine High School tragedy, we need to remember that bullying was a major factor in over 40 school shootings that took place during the past decade. Bullying can also lead to suicide, severe depression and anxiety, truancy, and dropping-out of school. We need to find a way to stop bullying in schools and to refute assumptions that this behavior is normal.
We need to create communities in schools and raise awareness of all parties involved including victims, bullies, and bystanders so that school social hierarchies are dismantled and students treat each other with sincere appreciation and respect.
Evidence suggests strong school communities -- where kids feel like they can come forward with problems -- can prevent violent crime.
"The first and best line of defense is always a well-trained, highly alert staff and student body," said Kenneth Trump, president of National School Safety and Security Services, an Ohio-based firm specializing in school security.
"The No. 1 way we find out about weapons in schools is not from a piece of equipment [such as a metal detector] but from a kid who comes forward and reports it to an adult that he or she trusts."
A 2008 Secret Service report found that in more than 80 percent of instances of school violence, at least one person, usually a fellow student or peer, had knowledge of the attackers' plans. If people who suspect a problem feel comfortable enough in school to tell a teacher or a principal, then attacks could be prevented.
Make sure your staff receives effective, high quality bullying prevention training. Call or email 1-866-768-4803 or info@BalanceEducationalServices.com to schedule a Fall '09 professional development presentation. www.Balance EducationalServices.com

Contributors John D. Sutter,CNN Jessie Klein, www.huffingtonpost.com

Teenage Girls Stand by Their Man

Just read an interesting article about the pop singer Chris Brown, 19, who faces two felony charges for allegedly beating his girlfriend, the pop singer Rihanna, 21 (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/19/fashion/19brown.html?pagewanted=1&_r=2&th&emc=th ). In this article many of the girls defended Chris Brown and were angry at Rihanna.

“I thought she was lying, or that the tabloids were making it up,” one girl said.
Even after they saw a photo of Rihanna’s bloodied, bruised face, which had raced across the Internet, they still defended Mr. Brown. “She probably made him mad for him to react like that,” the other ninth grader said. “You know, like, bring it on?”

I don’t know what the true circumstances wee of this particular case, but I do know people often blame victims and protect aggressors. I have seen this in bullying situations, dating violence, and spousal abuse situations. For lessons on teaching empathy, friendship and respect go to http://www.balanceeducationalservices.com/resources.html

Celebrity Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana was bullied, too!

Celebrity Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana was bullied, too!

Our most popular blog hits are about celebrities who were bullied as children. Here’s another. Miley Cyrus is coming out with a memoir "Miley Cyrus: Miles to Go," and in the book the teen star describes in depth the bullying she received from the "the Anti-Miley Club" in her pre-teen years growing up in Tennessee.

"The girls took it beyond normal bullying. These were big, tough girls," Cyrus says in the book, which hit stores on Tuesday. "I was scrawny and short. They were fully capable of doing me bodily harm."
During one of those instances, the mean girls locked Miley in the bathroom during class. "They shoved me in. I was trapped. I banged on the door until my fists hurt. Nobody came," she writes. "I spent what felt like an hour in there, waiting for someone to rescue me, wondering how my life had gotten so messed up."
Miley also describes how the girls escalated their bullying on the future star by confronting her and challenging her to a fight. "It seemed like Operation Make Miley Miserable was escalating to a new level. More like Operation Take Miley Down," she recalls. "Three girls strutted up and stood towering over me. My stomach churned. I clutched my grilled-cheese sandwich like it was the hand of my best friend. It pretty much was my best friend those days. I was done for.
"They started cussing me and telling me to get up. I sat there, frozen. I didn't know what to do," she continues about the incident, which ended when the principal stepped in. "Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't chicken. What could they do to me? I was surrounded by people. I stood up, still a foot shorter then they were, and said, 'What's your problem? What did I ever do to you?' "
Her classmates also teased her about her family, telling her, "Your dad's a one-hit wonder. You'll never amount to anything — just like him."

Some celebrities were bullied as children and became celebrities as adults. Miley’s stories are examples of a talented person from a celebrity family getting picked on. Sharing these stories about a teen idol being bullied with a youngster who is experiencing bullying can help show that targets are not losers. Targets are just that…targets of people have a need to abuse another. Sometimes misery loves company and if the company is Miley Cyrus, it may be comforting to a target.

Also note that Miley finally stood up for herself in an assertive, yet non-violent manner. It will be interesting to find out more details when the book comes out – especially to find out how well her response to bullying worked. Remember, in our book How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression--Elementary Grade Lessons and Activities That Teach Empathy, Friendship, and Respect, we provide many strategies on how a person can effectively stop bullying.

Let us know if you read the book and if any stories ring true to you.
Steve

DVD teaches autistic kids what a smile means

DVD teaches autistic kids what a smile means is an article about using technology to further social learning. The DVD mentioned in the article teaches autistic children how to recognize emotions like happiness, anger and sadness through the exploits of vehicles including a train, a ferry, and a cable car. Has anyone else found technology or software to further social learning?

A Sisterhood of Workplace Infighting

An interesting article concerning women and workplace bullying can be found at http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/11/jobs/11pre.html?_r=1&em. It is called A Sisterhood of Workplace Infighting.

I thought this was an interesting section:

But while women have come a long way in removing workplace barriers, one of the last remaining obstacles is how they treat one another.
Instead of helping to build one another’s careers, they sometimes derail them for example, by limiting access to important meetings and committees; withholding information, assignments and promotions; or blocking the way to mentors and higher-ups.

And if you are a woman and happen to have a female co-worker who is a bully, watch out. A recent study by the Workplace Bullying Institute examining office behaviors like verbal abuse, job sabotage, misuse of authority and destroying of relationships found that female bullies aim at other women more than 70 percent of the time. Bullies who are men, by contrast, tend to be equal-opportunity tormentors when it comes to the gender of their target.

I am interested in hearing if others agree that females tend to bully other females while males bully both male and female. What has been your experience?

You can get more information about workplace bullying at Bnet.com. Go to http://resources.bnet.com/index.php?q=How+to+Handle+a+Workplace+Bully

Movie: An American Girl: Chrissa Stands Strong -- My thoughts

I recently viewed the movie An American Girl: Chrissa Stands Strong. It’s about a fourth grader and her friends who deal with bullying from a more popular girl in their class. I recommend it for kids between 2nd and 5th grade. Older kids might enjoy it, too, and I’m sure can relate to some of the bullying issues and how easily some adults just ‘miss’ the aggressive behaviors that is right in front of their face. Children, parents and educators can all learn good bully prevention strategies which is the strong point of this movie.

The bullying was realistic and showed examples of physical, verbal, social and cyber bullying. Some of the bullying was more sophisticated than average 4th graders might express, but then again, some bullies are way above average. Chrissa, the main victim, and other victims were typical 4th grade girls who, realistically, didn’t know how to deal with the situation. The bullying continued until situations had risen to a level whereby parents and teachers had to be involved. Often, the kids themselves made some very good choices, too, to stop the bullying.

The adults didn’t handle the situations very well at first. For instance, trying to find out who the main culprit was in a given situation, the principal and classroom teacher asked the students for information while all the students - victims, aggressors, and bystanders - were all together. Of course, no one was willing to risk speaking up. Separate discussions would be much more effective. Also, some of the consequences imparted on the aggressors had nothing to do with the bullying. I would have liked to see consequences that would teach pro-social behaviors and empathy instead of suspension and ‘towel clean-up’ that had nothing to do with the offense. Changing behavior and/or teaching replacement skills is a lot more effective in stopping a bully from bullying again. Of course, if the adults had taught all the students how to react to bullying before bullying began, and/or had ‘nipped’ the bullying in the bud before it got severe, this would have been a very short movie.

The movie accurately expressed how confusing a bullying situation can be for any young child. Without information and strategies to deal with bullying, the children in this movie used trial and error solutions such as hiding in toilet stalls, staying home from school, and avoiding after school activities. They were also hesitant to talk to adults. Fortunately, it addressed these realistic responses with ultimately having the children learn that talking to an adult is not tattling, but asking for help. Ultimately, the adults were very helpful. To move the story along, the writer had them be somewhat clueless and naïve at first, but they were always supportive and came through in the end to help the victims.

The movie is enjoyable to watch and many youngsters will be able to relate to the storyline. I recommend the movie as an opportunity to discuss bullying with children and strategies they can implement if they are bullied or witness bullying. In real life, we want kids and adults to know how to stop bullying before it becomes an abusive situation that last for weeks. At the risk of being self-serving, using the lessons and activities in our book How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression would help children learn the skills the characters in the movie would have appreciated, such as how to stand up to a bully, how to stop a peer from bullying another, and how to determine when talking to an adult is telling and not tattling.

Check out the table of contents of our book to get idea of what skills kids need to develop to stop bullying. Or, for sample lessons go to http://balanceeducationalservices.com/resources.html

If you saw the movie, share your thoughts.

Steve

Radio Interview Posted

Happy New Year everyone!

We have a new 20 minute radio interview posted to our website. It’s a clear, concise and interesting (even if I say so myself) interview by veteran radio man Rich Ryder of WBTN in Vermont, USA. On our "media page" click on the link under "Hear Mike and Steve" that reads "Radio Interview - WBTN."

Feel free to share the interview with any friends, or friends who have children or students, who are having issues with bullying.

We wish you all a happy, healthy and prosperous 2009

Steve