Teaching Your Kids How to Respond to a Bully

Mike and I present bully prevention workshops for parents throughout the country. We provide best practices that are effective, safe and empowering. Our experience has been that when it comes to their kids getting bullied, most parents understand that a physical response or verbal comeback does more harm than good.

Of course, they want to know what to suggest to their child to stop the bullying while maintaining safety and self-esteem. Many parents are familiar with suggestions such as ignore verbal taunts, walk away when someone is bothering you and telling the bully, “Stop.” They ask if these are valid strategies.

The answer is yes, they are effective strategies -- when done correctly. The key to success is the details and practice. We teach the detail of these strategies through role-playing (very effective and a lot of fun for Mike as he gets to bully me).

When I role-play ignoring or walking away from Mike the Bully, I do it without showing emotion or gesturing in any manner that will reinforce him. My style expresses confidence and a refusal to get caught in his trap. I show the audience how to “be boring” so the bully just gives up. Simply put, I’m no fun to bully.

And when I choose to tell the bully to “Stop” or “Cut it out,” I keep a distance of 1.5 - 2 arm lengths while making eye contact and using strong body language and tone of voice. Strong body language means my head is up, my back straight and my hands are by my sides or down in front. I limit any extra movement in my body, head and eyes. My tone of voice is controlled, yet neutral; it expresses seriousness and confidence.

Although the suggestions aren’t necessarily new to our audience, our “show” demonstrates the details of these strategies and parents literally see the importance of role-playing bullying scenarios with their child in a safe environment. Role-playing is vital for children to be confident that when they are in an actual bullying situation, and there is real emotion involved, they can respond effectively to stop the bullying.

Ultimately, audience members say, “This is great stuff! I’ve been writing notes on your handouts, but do you have those details in a book?” In the past, we’d respond, “We’re working on it.” As most of our readers know, our book, How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression, is now available. Although written for educators, each lesson and activity can be taught, discussed and practiced at home between parent and child(ren). Chapter 5, Teaching Assertiveness and Chapter 6, Responding to a Bully, detail these strategies in an easy to read manner with fun activities to practice.

Thanks for asking and as always, we look forward to your feedback.

Steve
For more information on how to prevent bullying, visit the bullying experts at http://www.balanceeducationalservices.com/index.html.

Celebrities who were bullied

Hello Everyone,
I came across this link to celebrities who were bullied. Not really sure what to make of it. Thoughts???
Mike
http://www.usmagazine.com/photos/celebs-who-were-bullied

Schools, Cell Phones and Cyber-Bullying

Many schools struggle with policy regarding the use of cell phones by students. Concerns range from using it during teaching time, cheating on tests and cyber-bullying. Some students and parents claim it is important for them to have cell phones to contact parents. The bottom line is the almost everyone has a cell phone these days. Presently, many schools are reconsidering their ‘no cell phones’ policy. (At least) one high school in VT said they have bigger issues to deal with than to fight a losing battle in regard to banning cell phones. The school administration has decided that students will be allowed to have them, but it will be confiscated if used at inappropriate times. Click here to read the article entitled “MAU to allow cell phones; admits enforcement failure.”

This decision was hotly debated at a school board meeting. Overall, board members would prefer no cell phones in school, but accept that the new policy was realistic and made sense. Of course, there was some dissent. One board member said “I hope (parents) would say, 'Don't bring your God damn cell phones to school,'" He also added that he does not own a cell phone and never will.

In my opinion this person is out of touch with millions of teens, tweens and adults. Cell phones are a part of the culture and some variation of them will continue for the foreseeable future. Banning cell phones just won’t work, as this school has indicated. Students will find a way to have and use them during the school day. And if they use it ‘under the radar,” there is an even greater chance they will use it inappropriately.

I think schools need to deal with reality. Teaching students how and when to use their phones respectfully is a skill they will need throughout their lives, especially in the workplace. School staff have an opportunity they need to take advantage of. With student input, staff can and should create logical cell phone usage rules and consequences that can be respected by all. Like it or not, schools have to deal with the issue and need to work with the culture. It’s a great opportunity to teach our young people cultural rules and respect.

Steve
For more strategies to teach proper use of cell phones in school, contact me at Steve@BalanceEducationalServices.com

How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression Top Rated

We just received an update from our publisher Corwin Press; our book received top rankings as one of the most viewed books in August! How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression: Elementary Grade Lessons and Activites That Teach Empathy, Friendship and Respect encourages respectful, positive-social behavior in all students! A user-friendly resource that offers fun and meaningful interactive lessons and activities that support student safety and well-being, promote healthy social-emotional development, and improve academic achievement, the book includes:

• Step-by-step guidelines for each activity
• Sidebars, sample scripts, and icons that hightlight important information
• A supply list of common classroom items for quick and easy implementation
• Suggestions for enhancing lessons

Want to learn more? Visit http://www.balanceeducationalservices.com/.

Preventing Massacres through Bully Prevention

Bullying Leads to Massacres is an article discussing human’s innate desire for revenge when they feel wronged. In his book, Beyond Revenge, researcher Michael McCullough discusses how people who have been chronically bullied can go to extremes in their revenge with a shooting rampage. He discusses that this action does not necessarily indicate mental illness.

McCullough discusses how, in general, a breakdown of law and order can lead to hurtful behaviors that create a revenge factor for those who feel wronged. Bullying in school or the workplace, when allowed to fester, is also a breakdown of law and order. McCullough goes on to discuss solutions, of which many have to be implemented. I like to focus on solutions, too.

Stopping bullying and social aggression in school takes the efforts of all people involved – student, staff and parents. It begins with leadership. School leaders need to make sure that bully prevention strategies go beyond the rhetoric of “No Bullying.” A good beginning is to make sure all are on the same page of what bullying is and what behaviors are considered bullying.

Bullying is when a person or group uses their power to intimidate or hurt another. Bullying can be expressed physically, verbally, socially and technologically (cyber bullying). All types of bullying are damaging and must be stopped. Not all people are aware of these definitions and descriptions. Depending on gender, age, area of upbringing (city, suburban, rural), experience with bullying, experience with domestic violence, etc. can influence how a person interprets these behaviors. What is “no big deal” to one person can be devastating to another. It is vital that school leaders make sure all students, parents and staff (administrators, teachers, bus drivers, janitors, counselors, nurses, volunteers, etc.) know what bullying is and their responsibility if they witness or know about bullying.

Staff needs to know how to respond if they witness or hear about bullying. Students need to know how to stop their peers from bullying and, if necessary, when to report it. Parents need to know the signs if their child is bullied or bullies and how to work with the school to make sure their child is safe and treats others respectfully. Discussion, lesson plans and workshops discussing these issues are vital and fulfill education guidelines. In some states, it is required by law. Ultimately they increase academic success.

Getting everyone on the same page is a vital aspect to stop bullying. Recognizing and stopping bullying leads to understanding community expectations and moral obligations. Unfortunately, it is not an exaggeration to say that when people allow others to hurt and abuse others, it comes back to haunt us all. Fortunately, a school massacre is rare, but the negative effects of allowing others to be hurt, hurts us all.

If all involved parties do their part to stop bullying, perhaps we can prevent another school massacre,

There are lots of bully prevention ideas. We’d like to hear some of yours.
Steve

In Texas School, Teachers Carry Books and Guns

I was reading The New York Times, August 29th edition, and came across an article discussing the decision by the school board in Harrold, Texas to allow teachers to carry concealed weapons in school. Here is the link so you can read it too: In Texas School, Teachers Carry Books and Guns

I do not think this is a wise decision by the Board for several reasons.

In general, more guns in schools mean more opportunity for something to go wrong and end in tragedy, even if the teacher is well trained in gun safety.

Also, this decision, while well meaning, doesn’t get to the facts of school shootings or the situation in Harrold, Texas. Although Superintendent David Thweatt expresses concern over the possibility of a drifter becoming a school shooter, school shootings are rarely committed by random drifters. The vast majority of school shootings fall into two main groups; gang related shootings and Columbine-type shootings. Gang related shootings are self-explanatory, Columbine-type shootings are committed by students who have been bullied, often in socially stratified schools with winner/loser cultures, where long-term bullying exists. Were this is the case in Harrold, Texas, it would be wiser for the administration to work on the school climate and develop effective bully prevention procedures that staff can easily enforce.

I was also concerned by the apparent lack of community input into the decision. An important decision such as this needs a strong community backing or should not be done at all.

What do you think? Post your opinion. Mike

Michael Phelps, his Mom and Dealing with Bullies

As a bully prevention expert, I help teach kids to stop bullying other kids. There is no one bully prevention strategy – there are many effective approaches. Some focus on helping targets of bullying be less of a target.

I thought about this as I read stories about how Olympic champ Michael Phelps was bullied as a child. I appreciate how his mother, Debbie Phelps, focused on solutions to help her son, not the problem. Young Michael was bullied because of his looks and behavior. He was diagnosed with ADHD; couldn’t sit still, focus or be quiet. His mother stated, “he also grew unevenly; his arms were unusually long and made him a target of hurtful, insulting bullying.” Because of these struggles, Phelps described himself as, “quiet, introspective and angry growing up, deeply hurt of being bullied by other children.”

Ms. Phelps couldn’t undo her son’s ADHD, or his body type, so she focused on what she could do. She worked with his teachers to make sure they figured out ways to teach Michael successfully. She had him take Ritalin to treat his hyperactivity, and although there was some success with it, she took him off it when he requested – thus respecting and empowering him. She helped him study and when necessary, found tutors. And she found something he was good at and loved – swimming.

These actions helped Michael develop self-esteem and resiliency. But still, for a while, the bullying continued. "He got a hard time about being a swimmer and not a football or lacrosse player," said one high-school classmate. However, mother and son turned the challenge into a strength. "The bullying and adversity made him be stronger and work harder," his mother is quoted.

Michaels story should not make us think that being bullied is advantageous because it toughens a kid up or will turn targets into champions. That is faulty logic with no basis in fact. However, it does show that there are many strategies parents can use when their child is bullied. Addressing challenges proactively can lead to stopping the bullying and developing a child with resiliency and good self-esteem.

If your child is being bullied:

· Work with your child’s teachers to make sure your child is safe, physically and emotionally. Discuss how you want them to respond if they witness hurtful behavior by other children. Also, let them know how you want them to respond if your child acts inappropriately

· With your child, determine where it is safe to be, in school and out, where they won’t be bullied or mistreated.

· Discuss the qualities they want in friends and how to respond if friends do not treat them respectfully.

· Together, work on developing social skills that will be appreciated by their peers.

· Help your child determine their interest in activities and hobbies such as sports, music, theater, computer games, and crafts. Help your child get together with others who are interested in the same activities. As necessary, provide physical training to bring them up to a level that will be valued by their peers.

· Discuss how to respond, effectively yet non-violently, if someone does or says something that is abusive or hurtful.

· Talk about when to go to you or another trusted adult if the bullying continues. Also, discuss the difference between tattling and telling (it is not tattling if they are getting help for a situation they tried to resolve or found to be too dangerous).

- Steve

I’m interested in hearing your ideas about helping targets of bullying deal with the challenge. Post here or email me at Steve@BalanceEducationalServices.com