We received the following comments concerning a recent newsletter article we recently sent out. (comments in green, original article in black) The comments came from a colleague and friend who runs an excellent counseling/recreation program for children who have socializing issues. His point, forcing a child who is passive to participate in an activity not of their own choosing will come to a bad end, is true. If the child is not athletic, forcing them to participate in sports will not end well. Sports can be great to learn, but only if the child is self-motivated to learn sports. We believe that passive children do need to learn activities appreciated by others, but the child needs to be the one who decides what activity it is. Caring adults who work with passive children need to think of skills and activities appreciated by others as much more than just sports. These activities include art, drama, magic, computers, videogames and other age appropriate activities. A passive child learning skills and activities appreciated by their peers goes a long way toward preventing bullying, but as we state in our newsletter, passive children will also need to practice social skills. Thanks for writing to us. Keep your comments coming! Mike


Hey there- Very much enjoying these e-mails. Today I want to quibble with the wording you use in part of the latest installment - You say "These students will also...need to learn activities appreciated by their peers." As someone who works with lots of these passive types, I just want to throw in my 2 cents and say that NEED is a bit strong and may serve to make matters a bit worse at times. I talk to lots of parents who assume that if they get their kid involved in baseball or soccer or some other popular activity, that they will have a common frame of reference with more typical and more confident kids. It's often well intended but what lots of these parents ignore is that their kids often have absolutely no interest in these activities. So what happens is that they go, do a bad job either intentionally or unintentionally, have another failure experience both physically and socially, and then have something else to be pissed at their parents for. It can also provide grist for the mill when kids suspect that their parents want to change them into someone they're not. I usually phrase it to parents that it would make matters easier for everyone if their kids learned activities that everyone appreciates but that if it starts to feel like they're trying to force a square peg into a round hole - maybe it's time to punt. I also know some kids who do pretty well socially even though they suck at sports and don't have any interest in them. I think it's more important that, whoever they are, they develop and express a sense of confidence. And - not that I'm biased about this at all - I think you're right - they do NEED to develop more social competence.

Research has revealed common characteristics and profiles among students who are repeatedly bullied. One group is referred to as passive (a.k.a. submissive) victims, another as provocative victims. Clarifying the behaviors of a student who is repeatedly bullied can lead to strategies that reduce victimization.

Passive victims signal, through attitude and behaviors, that they are insecure and will not respond strongly if bullied. They are often:
Physically weaker than others their age
Afraid of being hurt, have poor physical coordination and don't do well in sports
Have poor social skills and have difficulty making friends
Cautious, sensitive, quiet, withdrawn and shy
Anxious, insecure, and cry or become upset easily
Have poor self-esteem
Have difficulty standing up for or defending themselves, physically and verbally

Provocative victims express behaviors that often irritate others and incite negative reactions. They often:
Have poor social skills -- appear to instigate the bullying
Are hyperactive, restless, and have difficulty concentrating
Are clumsy, immature, and exhibit irritating habits
Do not develop strong friendships
Are hot-tempered and attempt to fight back, ineffectively and sometimes entertainingly,
when victimized
Pick on smaller kids

If the bullied child has traits familiar to either list, altering their behavior may help reduce further bullying and develop self-esteem, resiliency and empowerment - qualities that will limit further victimization. For instance, teach passive victims to respond assertively to bullies with details that include specific language and how to express confident body language, eye contact, and tone of voice. These students will also need to practice social skills and learn activities appreciated by peers.

Provocative victims also need to learn age appropriate skills. They will need help from a caring adult to become aware of behaviors that generate negative reactions from others. They may also need help with emotional management techniques.

Social skills training should be incorporated into behavior plans, classroom lessons, and IEPs (Individualized Education Plans).

Although some behaviors do perpetuate bullying, no one ever deserves to be bullied!

Cyber Bullying Case Law is Limited, But Consider Civil and Criminal Laws

Educators and administrators often ask us about case law regarding cyber bullying to help guide them in policy and procedure. As far as I know, and I research it daily, case law is limited. One law suit, now in progress, is slowly developing (read article: Evidence of Megan Meier's death will be permitted in Lori Drew's cyber-bullying trial)

Regardless of case law, school personnel need to respond if a student harasses or bullies another student(s) using the school computer/internet system. A school also needs to be involved even if the cyber bullying was initiated off campus, but interrupts learning on campus. This is referred to as an off-campus/on-campus nexus.

A real challenge for administrators and teachers is when one student bullies another student online, but there is no connection to school computer use or an on-campus/off-campus nexus. They struggle when confronted by a parent of a student who is being bullied by another student at the school. Simply put, a distressed parent does not want to hear “The bully didn’t use a school computer, there is no nexus and therefore there is nothing we can do or required to do.”

In such situations, we do have some recommendations. First, we believe all schools should be preemptive and should teach all students, staff and parents about the different types of bullying, how to address it as a target, bystander, or parent, and consequences of bullying. This won’t stop all bullying from occurring, but can limit its affects.

Also, when necessary, and as appropriate, share the following information, which I have cut and paste from a document titled Educator’s Guide to Cyberbullying and Cyberthreats by Nancy Willard, M.S., J.D. Note that this is not legal advice, but information to consider.

Civil Litigation
When should parents of a target consider civil litigation against the bully and parents of the
bully?

Civil laws provide the ability for cyberbully victims to sue the bully and the bully’s parents to recover financial damages for injuries or require actions, such as removal of material and discontinuation of cyberbullying. Some cyberbullying activities meet the standards for what is called an intentional “tort” (wrongdoing).

In many jurisdictions, there are parental liability laws that allow someone who is intentionally injured by a minor to hold the parents of that minor financially responsible. Parents can also be found negligent in failing to provide reasonable supervision of their child. If a school official notifies parents that their child is cyberbullying another and the cyberbullying continues, this can provide an enhanced ability to hold the parent’s financially liable. Informing the parents of the cyberbully about this potential is likely the strongest “motivation” school officials can use to ensure that the cyberbullying stops.

Depending on the facts, the following legal actions might be possible:
• Defamation. Someone publishes a false statement about a person that damages his or her reputation.
• Invasion of privacy/public disclosure of a private fact. Someone publicly discloses a
private fact about a person under conditions that would be highly offensive to a reasonable person.
• Invasion of personal privacy/false light. Publicly disclosing information that places an individual in a false light.
• Intentional infliction of emotional distress. Someone’s intentional actions are outrageous and intolerable and have caused extreme distress.

An attorney can send a letter to the bully’s parents and seek informal resolution or file a lawsuit.

Criminal Law
When should a school contact, or assist a parent in contacting, law enforcement officials?

Extremely harmful online speech can violate criminal laws. The following kinds of speech can lead to arrest and prosecution:
• Making threats of violence to people or their property.
• Engaging in coercion (trying to force someone to do something he or she doesn’t want to do).
• Making obscene or harassing telephone calls (this includes text messaging).
• Harassment or stalking.
• Hate or bias crimes.
• Creating or sending sexually explicit images of teens (this is child pornography).
• Sexual exploitation.
• Taking a photo of someone in place where privacy is expected (like a locker room)

At Balance Educational Services, we teach students, staff and parents how to avoid on-going bullying, and hope that a situation never gets so severe that law enforcement has to be involved. However, educating people that bullying or harassing someone online may lead to legal liability can be a good deterrent to a bully and/or motivate the parents of a cyberbully to provide more supervision.

If anyone is familiar with case law regarding cyberbullying, please let us know.
Thanks.

Steve

Brain Scans Show Bullies May Enjoy Watching Pain

Recently, I read the article Brain Scans Show Bullies May Enjoy Watching Pain. The study, using sophisticated fMRI technology, suggested that kids who bully derive pleasure from others pain.

I’m completely in favor or research to gain greater insight into the dynamics of bullying and determine new strategies to reduce violence and increase empathy and respect. Unfortunately, I don’t think the information of this study, as publicized, is all that relevant in terms of bullying. The researchers studied the brain activity of 8 teenagers with aggressive Conduct Disorder (CD) and another 8 matched controls that did not show symptoms of CD, while they watched animated scenes showing people in pain and not in pain. All the subjects were boys between 16 and 18 years of age.

Conduct disorder is described as a group of behavioral and emotional problems in youngsters. Children and adolescents with this disorder have great difficulty following rules and behaving in a socially acceptable way. They are often viewed by other children, adults and social agencies as "bad" or delinquent, rather than mentally ill. Many factors may contribute to a child developing conduct disorder, including brain damage, child abuse, genetic vulnerability, school failure, and traumatic life experiences.


People with this disorder have a very serious issue and special needs. However, they do not make up the majority of kids who bully. Conduct disorder only affects 1 to 4 percent of 9- to 17-year-olds.

Bullying shows itself in many different forms (physical, verbal, cyber and relational), is common among male and female of all ages and is expressed for many different reasons. It is a behavior that meets a need which can include, but not be limited to, a desire to be popular, a leader, considered funny, impress peers, or seek revenge. If the behavior is reinforced with success in meeting the need of the child, the behavior will continue. The study focused specifically on how the subjects reacted when viewing physical types of distress in others. However, physical bullying is the least common type of bullying. And aggressive behavior by kids with conduct disorder is only one small fraction of those guilty of bullying.

This study seemed to get a lot of publicity with its headlines, but I would caution about thinking that it offers any new important insights into the general bullying dynamic. I think it’s too early to equate it with bullying at all. This study was too limited in scope to be of any real value in bully prevention strategies. I think it was way too early to even publish this study, especially in regards to new insights about bullying, but I do hope they continue the research.

What do you think?

Steve

Anti-bullying laws--help or hinder

Last month, we at www.BalanceEducationalServices.com, sent a newsletter to some of our readers concerning their states' bullying laws. One of our readers, a principal, commented about a proposed anti-bullying law.

Our reader stated "...Please realize that school personnel are working as hard as possible to deal with the problem in schools. There is nothing a law can do other than to create more paperwork and red tape, thus reducing the time that educators are able to actually work with kids. Probably the biggest help that a legislature could offer for this problem would be a law regulating kids' access to media offerings that model bullying behaviors. But the law that was proposed in Massachusetts simply added more requirements for schools to write and file reports about anti-bullying plans, thus adding yet another layer of paperwork and reducing the time I can spend actually working with kids and teachers."

I commented back thanking her for her insightful comments and I have thought about what she wrote. She was right that a law which creates more paperwork and red tape and takes away valuable teaching time would be counterproductive. On the other hand, a law that requires staff to intervene or report bullying to a higher authority when witnessed, would go a long way in lessening incidents of bullying. A law that requires staff to be appropriately trained in bully prevention techniques would be even more beneficial. At times it may feel unnecessary to have a law requiring such common sense actions as having staff intervene or be appropriately trained to stop inappropriate behavior. Unfortunately, too may staff members are not responding to bullying in an effective way, mostly due to lack of training. It is equally unfortunate that many schools and school districts would not provide appropriate training for their staff unless prompted to by law. Another layer of paperwork doesn’t help anyone. Another layer of training, especially for our paraprofessionals, aides, and bus drivers, the ones who are more likely to witness bullying, is invaluable.

I thanked her for her insightful comments. And thanked her for the good work she and her staff do on behalf of students.

What did you think about anti-bullying laws? Help or hinder? Post your comments now. Mike

Study: Aggressive kids from poor homes get bullied

Some children become chronically victimized early in their social development by their peers, and this may be more common in children who were aggressive in infancy, are from families with harsh parenting styles and insufficient income, according to an article released on October 6, 2008 in Archives of General Psychiatry, one of the JAMA/Archives journals (full article: How And Why Certain Children Receive Chronic Peer Abuse)

For me, this study is a reminder that common punitive consequences to bullying behavior or simplistic suggestions to targets of bullying (“just stand up to the bully”) are often meaningless. In many cases, the issues that cause someone to be aggressive or passive to such a point that they are chronically bullied have deep underlying causes. When an adult is working with a child who shows ongoing behaviors that perpetuate bullying, either as a bully or target, a deeper look into the background of the child can determine an effective plan of action to change the behavior that perpetuates the bullying.

A child’s personal history can’t be changed and a teacher may not be able to change the family dynamics, but a focused, well considered plan of action to teach pro-social behaviors to a child can effect his/her future. Taking this time is often difficult for many educators, considering all their responsibilities, but looking into a child's history, teaching pro-social skills, respect, citizenship, making healthy choices, etc. are part of each state’s education curriculum. It takes more time in the short run, but saves time, energy, resources, and frustration later.

This article focused mostly on insights into the commonality of those children who are chronically targeted. These children need assistance in understanding why they are abused and how to be assertive, be provided opportunities to enhance their self-esteem and develop healthy friendships and support systems. If they do not learn these skills, the abuse gets worse and often they become victims of domestic violence – dating/marrying aggressive people. On a similar note, some of these chronic targets develop a passive-aggressive style of behavior which is also inappropriate.

That got me thinking about aggressive children. Children who bully easy targets because they want to be the leader or ‘in charge’ need to learn how to accomplish that goal by gaining the respect of peers, as opposed to being feared by their peers. Those who use insulting humor to enhance a reputation of being funny (making bystanders laugh) need to learn how to be funny without being hurtful. This can be a tough skill to learn and master considering that put-downs and insults are a common comedic device on TV (a powerful role-model), but it can be done. Educators and parents need to remember that chronic bullies and targets need extra time learning respectful, pro-social skills like others need extra time learning math.

Studies, like the one referenced above, show that time and effort is being used to gain greater insight into the issue of bullying and that will lead to solutions. Children who learn how to get their needs met in a pro-social manner will become peaceful and respectful adults in the workplace and community. Politicians often mention the importance of learning math and science to be competitive in the global economy. I think it’s also important to balance that with happy, healthy, peaceful people.


I also suggest these articles regarding this study:
Why Some Kids Are Bullied From the Start (health.usnews.com)

Schoolyard Bullying: Which Kids Are Most Vulnerable? (http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1850405,00.htm)

Steve
For ideas on how to teach pro-social skills, check out our book, How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression

Celebrities Who Admit Bullying Help Prevent Bullying (or Celebrities Who Were Bullied, Part 2)

Bullying is a hot topic. Stories of celebrities who have been bullied are even hotter. Olympic champ Michael Phelps’ childhood bullying issues had international interest. Even Barack Obama got in on it, mentioning the issue of bullying in his presidential nominee acceptance speech (I know, he’s not a celebrity, just a politician). Why are people fascinated with discovering famous people who were bullied?

Do people who have been bullied want to know who else shared their fate, i.e., misery loves company? Or maybe it’s nice to know that someone successful had been beaten down and yet rose beyond the experience. In other words, maybe if you were bullied you really can have the last laugh. Or maybe we just love gossip and it fulfills a voyeuristic tendency to hear another tidbit about a famous person.

But is there any real value to having the public know that Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice, one-fifth of one of the biggest girl-groups in music history) was bullied in school? Recently she said, “People would push me around, say they were going to beat me up after school, chase me. It was miserable, my whole schooling, miserable. I tried to be friends with people, but I didn't fit in. So I kept myself to myself.” Perhaps there is value to these conversations.

Perhaps reports that one of Rosario Dawson’s worst memories is getting all dressed up for a school activity and having the girls “pick on me because I was flat chested” brings more awareness to the issue of bullying and social aggression. Some may think, “Who cares?” but such discussions about formerly unmentioned topics have a history of making major cultural changes.

Weeks after Betty Ford became First Lady, she underwent a mastectomy for breast cancer – and discussed it publicly. Later on she talked about her alcoholism and drug addictions. In the 1970s and 80s, sharing these issues with the public was considered very risky. Her openness about both previously taboo topics made headlines and the public decided that she was incredibly brave and heroic. The culture of the time could have judged her negatively, but she was embraced. She was a First Lady, yet as vulnerable as a common citizen. It became acceptable for the average person to discuss these issues and get help. No longer were breast cancer and addiction ignored until they killed. People began to get help.

A few years later, Oprah Winfrey talked about being sexually abused as a child. She even discussed being impregnated by an abuser when she was fourteen (the child died shortly after birth). Aside from fascinating news, people admired this celebrity who was willing to bring these once shameful admissions out in the open to help others avoid the same fate. Child abuse, sexual and otherwise, is now discussed with children to limit such abuse. And survivors of abuse can understand they are victims and seek the support they need.

A few years ago, baseball great Joe Torre talked to reporters about his experience with domestic violence. His father, a respected NYC police detective was a physically abusive husband and an emotionally abusive father. Fans and non-fans were fascinated with this aspect of this athlete’s life. Joe wasn’t the first athlete to experience such abuse but it was Joe who used his status and resources to create the Safe at Home Foundation. The Foundation’s mission is "educating to end the cycle of domestic violence and save lives." Public interest with this man’s experience with bullying (domestic violence is a type of bullying) has led to publicizing the issue and working to end it.

So when I hear about Chester Bennington of the rock group Linkin Park say he was, “knocked around like a rag doll at school for being skinny and looking different,” it can resonate with a lot of kids. It’s another reminder that bullying hurts and it’s not cool. I especially appreciate super model Tyra Banks discussing the issue of bullying and reminding girls that gossiping, deceiving and manipulating is very unfashionable. She tells the following story: "I spent the whole year working on this model show which deals with outer beauty, but three of the prettiest girls left first. It's about personalities. Personality and who you are is so important. If you're pretty but you're ugly inside, you're ugly outside too."

Schools and parents need to impart many bully prevention strategies to stop kids from abusing others. I think that celebrities talking about their bullying experience are now part of the list. Pop culture heroes have incredible influence over young people. When these celebrities bring up the topic, it is an opportunity for other adults to discuss with young people the importance of respect and tolerance for all.

What I haven’t encountered are stories about celebrities who were bullies. Do you know of any?

Steve

YouTube Joins Forces to Stop Cyber Bullying

In a much welcomed move, YouTube has announced that it will no longer host video of school fights. The video uploading giant has pulled school fight video and is asking site users to help police the site. What brings this great change about? Thank the Vallejo City Unified School District of Vallejo, California.

Look back at my last blog, School Approves Cyber Bullying Ban, and you'll see that on Wednesday, the Vallejo City USD Board of Directors unanimously passed a new policy that specifically bans the recording of school fights. As a follow up, Vallejo school officials sent a letter to YouTube asking that they remove all school fight videos. Happily, YouTube has agreed.

Kudos to the Vallejo City USD and YouTube.

Karen