Just read a interesting story about offensive lineman for the University of Nebraska, Matt Slauson. Slauson talks honestly about problems faced by children who are different. In Matt’s case, the differences were his stuttering and his size. Life can have extra challenges for those who are different, but Matt faced his speech challenges head on. He also used his size to his advantage. See our November 25th blog about ending bullying by building up socially acceptable skills. Read the story about Matt at http://www.ketv.com/cnn-news/18336632/detail.html. Get bully prevention resources at http://www.balanceeducationalservices.com/resources.html.
Mike
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Boy Breaks Gender Barrier to Compete at Apollo Theater
Today's online version of the NY Times features of video of ZeAndre Orr, a Brownsville 5th grader at P.S 323, who weathered physical bullying and verbal harassment to follow his heart and join his school's double dutch jump rope team. Double dutch jump rope has long been a largely female sport and ZeAndre is one of only two male jumpers on his school's team.
Name calling, pushing, shoving, and tripping followed ZeAndre's decision to join the team. At one point, he was kicked down a flight of stairs. Although ZeAndre did consider quiting to avoid the bullying and harassment, he persisted in his dedication to the sport. ZeAndre was rewarded for his efforts with admittance into the annual Holiday Classic Double Dutch Competition at the famed Apollo Theater, one of the largest double dutch competitions in the country. Only the best jumpers from P.S. 323 were chosen to represent their school at the competition.
I really admire ZeAndre for not allowing others to keep him from participating in his chosen activity. As educators, we try to encourage children to find an activity they truly enjoy and pursue it with passion. It isn't easy to do this when there is community prejudice or a lack of support. Back when I was growing up, girls who wanted to participate in "boy" sports, such as soccer or baseball, were regularly taunted. Whether you are a girl breaking into a "boy " sport, or a boy breaking into a "girl" sport, the road to admittance is a tough one.
Of course, sports are not the only activities children can pursue. Art, music, writing, hiking, and woodcraft are just some of the additional possibilities. For ways to encourage your child to find their own niche, check the parent and student links on our Resources Page, have your school book a Parenting a Well Rounded Child workshop, or see our book, How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression: Elementary Lessons and Activities That Teach Empathy, Friendship and Respect.
To see the video about ZeAndre Orr, click here:
http://video.nytimes.com/video/2008/12/18/nyregion/1194835807850/brooklyns-jazzy-jumpers.html?th&emc=th.
Do you, your child or someone you know have experience in breaking gender boundaries? I'd love to hear what you have to say.
Karen
Name calling, pushing, shoving, and tripping followed ZeAndre's decision to join the team. At one point, he was kicked down a flight of stairs. Although ZeAndre did consider quiting to avoid the bullying and harassment, he persisted in his dedication to the sport. ZeAndre was rewarded for his efforts with admittance into the annual Holiday Classic Double Dutch Competition at the famed Apollo Theater, one of the largest double dutch competitions in the country. Only the best jumpers from P.S. 323 were chosen to represent their school at the competition.
I really admire ZeAndre for not allowing others to keep him from participating in his chosen activity. As educators, we try to encourage children to find an activity they truly enjoy and pursue it with passion. It isn't easy to do this when there is community prejudice or a lack of support. Back when I was growing up, girls who wanted to participate in "boy" sports, such as soccer or baseball, were regularly taunted. Whether you are a girl breaking into a "boy " sport, or a boy breaking into a "girl" sport, the road to admittance is a tough one.
Of course, sports are not the only activities children can pursue. Art, music, writing, hiking, and woodcraft are just some of the additional possibilities. For ways to encourage your child to find their own niche, check the parent and student links on our Resources Page, have your school book a Parenting a Well Rounded Child workshop, or see our book, How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression: Elementary Lessons and Activities That Teach Empathy, Friendship and Respect.
To see the video about ZeAndre Orr, click here:
http://video.nytimes.com/video/2008/12/18/nyregion/1194835807850/brooklyns-jazzy-jumpers.html?th&emc=th.
Do you, your child or someone you know have experience in breaking gender boundaries? I'd love to hear what you have to say.
Karen
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Another Celebrity Steps Up to Stop Bullying
We get a lot of hits when we write about celebrities and bullying. Here's another story:
Lord of the Rings star Sir Ian McKellen went back to his home town in Wigan, UK to help a school launch a project to combat homophobic bullying (article). He’s working with a charity to promote safe and inclusive learning environments for youngsters and establish practical methods of addressing homophobia in schools.
Let’s hope that Gandalf the Wizard and/or Magneto (in the X-Men movies) can influence the kids to be more respectful and tolerant. Hollywood can influence kids to be naughty or nice. Here’s another example of using star-power for good.
If any of our UK readers have more details about Sir Ian's involvement with his hometown schools, please send it along.
Send any stories about celebrities helping to stop bullying. We'll post them.
Steve
Lord of the Rings star Sir Ian McKellen went back to his home town in Wigan, UK to help a school launch a project to combat homophobic bullying (article). He’s working with a charity to promote safe and inclusive learning environments for youngsters and establish practical methods of addressing homophobia in schools.
Let’s hope that Gandalf the Wizard and/or Magneto (in the X-Men movies) can influence the kids to be more respectful and tolerant. Hollywood can influence kids to be naughty or nice. Here’s another example of using star-power for good.
If any of our UK readers have more details about Sir Ian's involvement with his hometown schools, please send it along.
Send any stories about celebrities helping to stop bullying. We'll post them.
Steve
CB case law is limited...but it’ Growing
An article published in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch titled New Cyber-Bullying Law Is Being Used In St. Louis Area discusses one of the first lawsuits regarding cyber bullying under the new Missouri law that was passed in response to the suicide of teenage Megan Meier. I recommend reading it.
The available technology and creativity of our species has created a very powerful way to abuse another through various electronic devices. Because of this, 18 states now have laws targeting internet harassment and cyber-stalking. Attorneys have also discovered ways to bring legal action against an accused cyber-bully based on pre-existing torts and criminal laws.
In this story, a teen girl is accused of sending harassing text messages to the girl and letting friends use her cell phone to leave threatening voice messages. This is an example of ‘Cyberbullying-by-Proxy’ which is the act of a cyber bully getting others to cyber bully the target, even if they don’t know the target.
To limit cyber bullying, keep the school community informed of the issue so you can “nip it in the bud." The best and safest schools and communities are pro-active. Teach kids about the issue, it’s consequences, how to respond if they are victimized or know of someone being victimized.
For more information about cyber bullying, how to respond and prevent it, contact me at Balance Educational Services. We also have free lesson plans to teach empathy, friendship and respect. Let us know your experience and any strategies that have worked for you. We'll pass them along if you wish.
Steve
The available technology and creativity of our species has created a very powerful way to abuse another through various electronic devices. Because of this, 18 states now have laws targeting internet harassment and cyber-stalking. Attorneys have also discovered ways to bring legal action against an accused cyber-bully based on pre-existing torts and criminal laws.
In this story, a teen girl is accused of sending harassing text messages to the girl and letting friends use her cell phone to leave threatening voice messages. This is an example of ‘Cyberbullying-by-Proxy’ which is the act of a cyber bully getting others to cyber bully the target, even if they don’t know the target.
To limit cyber bullying, keep the school community informed of the issue so you can “nip it in the bud." The best and safest schools and communities are pro-active. Teach kids about the issue, it’s consequences, how to respond if they are victimized or know of someone being victimized.
For more information about cyber bullying, how to respond and prevent it, contact me at Balance Educational Services. We also have free lesson plans to teach empathy, friendship and respect. Let us know your experience and any strategies that have worked for you. We'll pass them along if you wish.
Steve
Teasing vs. Taunting
DACHER KELTNER wrote a long article entitled In Defense of Teasing (NY Times Magazine 12-5-08). A bit long-winded, in my opinion, but some passages rang true for me. I will share those passages and then my thoughts:
1. Today teasing has been all but banished from the lives of many children. In recent years, high-profile school shootings and teenage suicides have inspired a wave of “zero tolerance” movements in our schools. Accused teasers are now made to utter their teases in front of the class, under the stern eye of teachers. Children are given detention for sarcastic comments on the playground. Schools are decreed “teasing free.”
2. The reason teasing is viewed as inherently damaging is that it is too often confused with bullying. But bullying is something different; it’s aggression, pure and simple. Bullies steal, punch, kick, harass and humiliate. Sexual harassers grope, leer and make crude, often threatening passes. They’re pretty ineffectual flirts. By contrast, teasing is a mode of play, no doubt with a sharp edge, in which we provoke to negotiate life’s ambiguities and conflicts. And it is essential to making us fully human.
3. Teasing is just such an act of off-record communication: provocative commentary is shrouded in linguistic acts called “off-record markers” that suggest the commentary should not be taken literally. At the same time, teasing isn’t just goofing around. We tease to test bonds, and also to create them. To make it clear when we’re teasing, we use fleeting linguistic acts like alliteration, repetition, rhyming and, above all, exaggeration to signal that we don’t mean precisely what we’re saying. (“Playing the dozens,” a kind of ritualized teasing common in the inner city that is considered a precursor to rap, involves just this sort of rhyming: “Don’t talk about my mother ’cause you’ll make me mad/Don’t forget how many your mother had.”) We also often indicate we are teasing by going off-record with nonverbal gestures: elongated vowels and exaggerated pitch, mock expressions and the iconic wink, well-timed laughs and expressive caricatures. A whiny friend might be teased with a high-pitched imitation or a daughter might mock her obtuse father by mimicking his low-pitched voice. Preteens, sharp-tongued jesters that they are, tease their parents with exaggerated facial expressions of anger, disgust or fear, to satirize their guardians’ outdated moral indignation. Similarly, deadpan deliveries and asymmetrically raised eyebrows (Stephen Colbert), satirical smiles and edgy laughs (Jon Stewart) all signal that we don’t entirely mean what we say.
I think teasing is acceptable behavior as long as we define the difference between teasing and taunting (purposeful, hurtful comments). We need to make sure kids understand the difference between playful teasing and hurtful taunting so they can continue to use a very common type of humor, yet avoid bullying and the expression of disrespectful and insensitive behavior. Sharing this knowledge and practicing the skill will help them navigate the very powerful, difficult and fun concept of respectful humor.
The following excerpt from my book How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression:
Elementary Grade Lessons and Activities That Teach Empathy, Friendship, and Respect (co-authored by Michael Dreiblatt and Karen Dreiblatt, Corwin Press) expresses how we at Balance Educational Services differentiate good humor and hurtful words.
Teasing is a playful use of humor that brings people together, lightens a mood, enhances a relationship, and makes people laugh. A funny person who can playfully tease is usually popular and able to maintain healthy friendships.
Playful teasing can be a good use of humor when it has the following qualities:
• It isn’t intended to hurt the other person.
• It’s funny in a lighthearted, clever, and gentle way; the comment lightens a mood.
• It’s stated in a tone of voice that is affectionate.
• It is mutual; meant to get both parties to laugh.
• It’s used to bring people closer together and make the relationship stronger.
• It maintains the basic dignity of everyone involved (nobody gets embarrassed or humiliated).
• The teasing can go back and forth—not limited to only one person being allowed to make the comments.
• It is only a small part of the activities between the people involved—teasing doesn’t define the whole relationship.
• It stops if someone becomes upset or objects to the comments.
• No one gets upset or wants revenge.
A person can also make others laugh by using humor inappropriately; this is when humor becomes hurtful taunting. When teasing is misused, purposefully or accidentally, problems tend to follow.
It is hurtful taunting when it has the following qualities:
• It is intended to upset another.
• It is one-sided—one person has a certain power and can make comments, but the other person cannot.
• It is mean, humiliating, cruel, demeaning, or bigoted.
• It is meant to diminish the self-worth of the target.
• It induces fear of further taunting or physical bullying.
• It continues even when the targeted person becomes upset or objects to the comments.
• It uses an angry, snide, or sarcastic tone of voice.
• Bystanders laugh, but not the target(s) of the comment.
• Aggressive body language is used—smirking, rolling eyes, raised hip, shaking head back and forth.
After articulating the difference between teasing and taunting (or whatever words is common to your culture) to kids, help them understand the concept by offering short scenarios in which they have to determine if the interchange between the characters is playful or hurtful. For example:
Bart asked people to stop calling him ‘Bart the Fart.’ Now they call him ‘Fathead Farty.’
1. Today teasing has been all but banished from the lives of many children. In recent years, high-profile school shootings and teenage suicides have inspired a wave of “zero tolerance” movements in our schools. Accused teasers are now made to utter their teases in front of the class, under the stern eye of teachers. Children are given detention for sarcastic comments on the playground. Schools are decreed “teasing free.”
2. The reason teasing is viewed as inherently damaging is that it is too often confused with bullying. But bullying is something different; it’s aggression, pure and simple. Bullies steal, punch, kick, harass and humiliate. Sexual harassers grope, leer and make crude, often threatening passes. They’re pretty ineffectual flirts. By contrast, teasing is a mode of play, no doubt with a sharp edge, in which we provoke to negotiate life’s ambiguities and conflicts. And it is essential to making us fully human.
3. Teasing is just such an act of off-record communication: provocative commentary is shrouded in linguistic acts called “off-record markers” that suggest the commentary should not be taken literally. At the same time, teasing isn’t just goofing around. We tease to test bonds, and also to create them. To make it clear when we’re teasing, we use fleeting linguistic acts like alliteration, repetition, rhyming and, above all, exaggeration to signal that we don’t mean precisely what we’re saying. (“Playing the dozens,” a kind of ritualized teasing common in the inner city that is considered a precursor to rap, involves just this sort of rhyming: “Don’t talk about my mother ’cause you’ll make me mad/Don’t forget how many your mother had.”) We also often indicate we are teasing by going off-record with nonverbal gestures: elongated vowels and exaggerated pitch, mock expressions and the iconic wink, well-timed laughs and expressive caricatures. A whiny friend might be teased with a high-pitched imitation or a daughter might mock her obtuse father by mimicking his low-pitched voice. Preteens, sharp-tongued jesters that they are, tease their parents with exaggerated facial expressions of anger, disgust or fear, to satirize their guardians’ outdated moral indignation. Similarly, deadpan deliveries and asymmetrically raised eyebrows (Stephen Colbert), satirical smiles and edgy laughs (Jon Stewart) all signal that we don’t entirely mean what we say.
I think teasing is acceptable behavior as long as we define the difference between teasing and taunting (purposeful, hurtful comments). We need to make sure kids understand the difference between playful teasing and hurtful taunting so they can continue to use a very common type of humor, yet avoid bullying and the expression of disrespectful and insensitive behavior. Sharing this knowledge and practicing the skill will help them navigate the very powerful, difficult and fun concept of respectful humor.
The following excerpt from my book How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression:
Elementary Grade Lessons and Activities That Teach Empathy, Friendship, and Respect (co-authored by Michael Dreiblatt and Karen Dreiblatt, Corwin Press) expresses how we at Balance Educational Services differentiate good humor and hurtful words.
Teasing is a playful use of humor that brings people together, lightens a mood, enhances a relationship, and makes people laugh. A funny person who can playfully tease is usually popular and able to maintain healthy friendships.
Playful teasing can be a good use of humor when it has the following qualities:
• It isn’t intended to hurt the other person.
• It’s funny in a lighthearted, clever, and gentle way; the comment lightens a mood.
• It’s stated in a tone of voice that is affectionate.
• It is mutual; meant to get both parties to laugh.
• It’s used to bring people closer together and make the relationship stronger.
• It maintains the basic dignity of everyone involved (nobody gets embarrassed or humiliated).
• The teasing can go back and forth—not limited to only one person being allowed to make the comments.
• It is only a small part of the activities between the people involved—teasing doesn’t define the whole relationship.
• It stops if someone becomes upset or objects to the comments.
• No one gets upset or wants revenge.
A person can also make others laugh by using humor inappropriately; this is when humor becomes hurtful taunting. When teasing is misused, purposefully or accidentally, problems tend to follow.
It is hurtful taunting when it has the following qualities:
• It is intended to upset another.
• It is one-sided—one person has a certain power and can make comments, but the other person cannot.
• It is mean, humiliating, cruel, demeaning, or bigoted.
• It is meant to diminish the self-worth of the target.
• It induces fear of further taunting or physical bullying.
• It continues even when the targeted person becomes upset or objects to the comments.
• It uses an angry, snide, or sarcastic tone of voice.
• Bystanders laugh, but not the target(s) of the comment.
• Aggressive body language is used—smirking, rolling eyes, raised hip, shaking head back and forth.
After articulating the difference between teasing and taunting (or whatever words is common to your culture) to kids, help them understand the concept by offering short scenarios in which they have to determine if the interchange between the characters is playful or hurtful. For example:
‘As a new student, Bart was still trying to fit in and make friends. At lunch, someone slid a whoopee cushion on Bart’s seat. It made a farting sound when he sat down.
The other kids started calling Bart ‘Bart the Fart.’
Bart asked people to stop calling him ‘Bart the Fart.’ Now they call him ‘Fathead Farty.’
Bart is miserable.’
No one should tease another if they don’t know them well, don’t get along with them, or know they do not like being teased. To do so under those conditions would be taunting. Discuss with your kids or students what topics should never be teased about, such as a person’s religion, body type, etc. to limit hurtful behavior.
Good humor is very difficult to master and instead of prohibiting teasing, which I do not think is practical, I prefer teaching kids to understand what teasing is, to use it appropriately and when to refrain. These lessons will prepare them for the real world, inside and outside of school. Mistakes will still be made and some kids will test the boundaries so adults should be prepared to express respectful reminders and logical consequences that reduce these ‘mistakes.’
I know not every educator agrees with me, so please, share your thoughts.
Steve
Good humor is very difficult to master and instead of prohibiting teasing, which I do not think is practical, I prefer teaching kids to understand what teasing is, to use it appropriately and when to refrain. These lessons will prepare them for the real world, inside and outside of school. Mistakes will still be made and some kids will test the boundaries so adults should be prepared to express respectful reminders and logical consequences that reduce these ‘mistakes.’
I know not every educator agrees with me, so please, share your thoughts.
Steve
Saturday, December 13, 2008
YouTube’s Abuse and Safety Center
Cyber bullying began with abusive text messaging, emails and websites. Then it carried over to social networks sites and videos transmitted over cell phones. Videos uploaded to YouTube have become another way to bully.
ISPs (internet service providers), cell phone carriers, social networks sites, and now YouTube have rules against such behavior, but these rules are rarely enforced. Still, the companies which provide the means for cyber bullying are, apparently, trying to take enforcement to the next level. Or so they publicize.
I read an article stating that YouTube, in its desire to be a safe and more appealing destination, has created a section on its site called the Abuse and Safety Center. The section offers information, reporting mechanisms, and resources for privacy and safety issues, including cyber bullying, hateful content and spam.
These providers create the means for reporting and stopping bullying. But users have to take advantage of it. Has anyone found that reporting cyber bullying to an ISP, social network or YouTube has helped stop cyber bullying? Did the service providers respond effectively? Did it empower the victims (targets) of the bullying? I’d like to share your stories on this blog and in our bully prevention presentations to students, educators and parents.
Send us your stories.
Steve
ISPs (internet service providers), cell phone carriers, social networks sites, and now YouTube have rules against such behavior, but these rules are rarely enforced. Still, the companies which provide the means for cyber bullying are, apparently, trying to take enforcement to the next level. Or so they publicize.
I read an article stating that YouTube, in its desire to be a safe and more appealing destination, has created a section on its site called the Abuse and Safety Center. The section offers information, reporting mechanisms, and resources for privacy and safety issues, including cyber bullying, hateful content and spam.
These providers create the means for reporting and stopping bullying. But users have to take advantage of it. Has anyone found that reporting cyber bullying to an ISP, social network or YouTube has helped stop cyber bullying? Did the service providers respond effectively? Did it empower the victims (targets) of the bullying? I’d like to share your stories on this blog and in our bully prevention presentations to students, educators and parents.
Send us your stories.
Steve
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Kids Helping Bullied Kids
Kids are a big part of any bully prevention strategy.
Mike and I teach students how to stop bullying, not only if they are the victim, but if they see, hear or know about bullying towards others. Bystanders of bullying are the largest constituent of the bullying dynamic.
We teach students how to stop another from bullying, peacefully, safely and with limited risk to their social status. Choices include:
1. Tell the bullies to stop
2. Separate the bullies away from the person being bullied
3. Separate the person being bullied away from the bullies
4. Report to a trusted adult (it’s not tattling if you are helping someone)
There are other options, too. I came across two stories that are great examples of kids helping bullied kids.
The first story (Bully Control) is about a girl, Olivia, who had been directly bullied and cyber bullied. Two teen sisters from another school heard about this girl through a story in the San Francisco Chronicle. They launched a letter-writing campaign in which their classmates would write letters of encouragement to this girl. The idea gained popularity and more schools became involved. Then the media began reporting on Olivia's plight and the girls' campaign. Letters and e-mails poured in from all over the world with best wishes for Olivia.
The article included the steps the sisters had to go through, including working with adults, to lend support in a very compassionate and respectful manner. These steps would be helpful if you wanted to help kids do a similar act of kindness. P.S. This campaign of compassion was so successful they published a book called "Letters to a Bullied Girl: Messages of Healing and Hope."
The 2nd story is titled “Schools Awash in Pink Thursday for Stand Up to Bullying Day.” After a 9th grader was picked on for wearing a pink shirt on the first day of school last year at Central Kings School in Canada, two 12th grade students decided to take a stand against bullying. These students went out and bought pink shirts and gave them out to their classmates at their school, who wore them en masse to support the student who had been bullied and to send a message to bullies everywhere – back off. Since then, Stand Up Against Bullying Day was proclaimed by Premier Rodney MacDonald of Nova Scotia, Canada.
This particular story is from September, yet articles about schools with students taking similar initiatives (for instance, Students Wear Pink to Oppose Bullying) continue to come across my computer screen.
Teaching kids to help kids is a great bully prevention technique and can make every day ‘Stand up to a Bully’ day.
Balance Educational Services encourages you to share these stories with your students or children. It’s a great way to teach and reinforce empathy and social responsibility.
Please write us if you know of students who are doing other bully prevention activities. We’ll pass it along.
Steve
Mike and I teach students how to stop bullying, not only if they are the victim, but if they see, hear or know about bullying towards others. Bystanders of bullying are the largest constituent of the bullying dynamic.
We teach students how to stop another from bullying, peacefully, safely and with limited risk to their social status. Choices include:
1. Tell the bullies to stop
2. Separate the bullies away from the person being bullied
3. Separate the person being bullied away from the bullies
4. Report to a trusted adult (it’s not tattling if you are helping someone)
There are other options, too. I came across two stories that are great examples of kids helping bullied kids.
The first story (Bully Control) is about a girl, Olivia, who had been directly bullied and cyber bullied. Two teen sisters from another school heard about this girl through a story in the San Francisco Chronicle. They launched a letter-writing campaign in which their classmates would write letters of encouragement to this girl. The idea gained popularity and more schools became involved. Then the media began reporting on Olivia's plight and the girls' campaign. Letters and e-mails poured in from all over the world with best wishes for Olivia.
The article included the steps the sisters had to go through, including working with adults, to lend support in a very compassionate and respectful manner. These steps would be helpful if you wanted to help kids do a similar act of kindness. P.S. This campaign of compassion was so successful they published a book called "Letters to a Bullied Girl: Messages of Healing and Hope."
The 2nd story is titled “Schools Awash in Pink Thursday for Stand Up to Bullying Day.” After a 9th grader was picked on for wearing a pink shirt on the first day of school last year at Central Kings School in Canada, two 12th grade students decided to take a stand against bullying. These students went out and bought pink shirts and gave them out to their classmates at their school, who wore them en masse to support the student who had been bullied and to send a message to bullies everywhere – back off. Since then, Stand Up Against Bullying Day was proclaimed by Premier Rodney MacDonald of Nova Scotia, Canada.
This particular story is from September, yet articles about schools with students taking similar initiatives (for instance, Students Wear Pink to Oppose Bullying) continue to come across my computer screen.
Teaching kids to help kids is a great bully prevention technique and can make every day ‘Stand up to a Bully’ day.
Balance Educational Services encourages you to share these stories with your students or children. It’s a great way to teach and reinforce empathy and social responsibility.
Please write us if you know of students who are doing other bully prevention activities. We’ll pass it along.
Steve
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
We received the following comments concerning a recent newsletter article we recently sent out. (comments in green, original article in black) The comments came from a colleague and friend who runs an excellent counseling/recreation program for children who have socializing issues. His point, forcing a child who is passive to participate in an activity not of their own choosing will come to a bad end, is true. If the child is not athletic, forcing them to participate in sports will not end well. Sports can be great to learn, but only if the child is self-motivated to learn sports. We believe that passive children do need to learn activities appreciated by others, but the child needs to be the one who decides what activity it is. Caring adults who work with passive children need to think of skills and activities appreciated by others as much more than just sports. These activities include art, drama, magic, computers, videogames and other age appropriate activities. A passive child learning skills and activities appreciated by their peers goes a long way toward preventing bullying, but as we state in our newsletter, passive children will also need to practice social skills. Thanks for writing to us. Keep your comments coming! Mike
Hey there- Very much enjoying these e-mails. Today I want to quibble with the wording you use in part of the latest installment - You say "These students will also...need to learn activities appreciated by their peers." As someone who works with lots of these passive types, I just want to throw in my 2 cents and say that NEED is a bit strong and may serve to make matters a bit worse at times. I talk to lots of parents who assume that if they get their kid involved in baseball or soccer or some other popular activity, that they will have a common frame of reference with more typical and more confident kids. It's often well intended but what lots of these parents ignore is that their kids often have absolutely no interest in these activities. So what happens is that they go, do a bad job either intentionally or unintentionally, have another failure experience both physically and socially, and then have something else to be pissed at their parents for. It can also provide grist for the mill when kids suspect that their parents want to change them into someone they're not. I usually phrase it to parents that it would make matters easier for everyone if their kids learned activities that everyone appreciates but that if it starts to feel like they're trying to force a square peg into a round hole - maybe it's time to punt. I also know some kids who do pretty well socially even though they suck at sports and don't have any interest in them. I think it's more important that, whoever they are, they develop and express a sense of confidence. And - not that I'm biased about this at all - I think you're right - they do NEED to develop more social competence.
Hey there- Very much enjoying these e-mails. Today I want to quibble with the wording you use in part of the latest installment - You say "These students will also...need to learn activities appreciated by their peers." As someone who works with lots of these passive types, I just want to throw in my 2 cents and say that NEED is a bit strong and may serve to make matters a bit worse at times. I talk to lots of parents who assume that if they get their kid involved in baseball or soccer or some other popular activity, that they will have a common frame of reference with more typical and more confident kids. It's often well intended but what lots of these parents ignore is that their kids often have absolutely no interest in these activities. So what happens is that they go, do a bad job either intentionally or unintentionally, have another failure experience both physically and socially, and then have something else to be pissed at their parents for. It can also provide grist for the mill when kids suspect that their parents want to change them into someone they're not. I usually phrase it to parents that it would make matters easier for everyone if their kids learned activities that everyone appreciates but that if it starts to feel like they're trying to force a square peg into a round hole - maybe it's time to punt. I also know some kids who do pretty well socially even though they suck at sports and don't have any interest in them. I think it's more important that, whoever they are, they develop and express a sense of confidence. And - not that I'm biased about this at all - I think you're right - they do NEED to develop more social competence.
Research has revealed common characteristics and profiles among students who are repeatedly bullied. One group is referred to as passive (a.k.a. submissive) victims, another as provocative victims. Clarifying the behaviors of a student who is repeatedly bullied can lead to strategies that reduce victimization.
Passive victims signal, through attitude and behaviors, that they are insecure and will not respond strongly if bullied. They are often:
Physically weaker than others their age
Afraid of being hurt, have poor physical coordination and don't do well in sports
Have poor social skills and have difficulty making friends
Cautious, sensitive, quiet, withdrawn and shy
Anxious, insecure, and cry or become upset easily
Have poor self-esteem
Have difficulty standing up for or defending themselves, physically and verbally
Provocative victims express behaviors that often irritate others and incite negative reactions. They often:
Have poor social skills -- appear to instigate the bullying
Are hyperactive, restless, and have difficulty concentrating
Are clumsy, immature, and exhibit irritating habits
Do not develop strong friendships
Are hot-tempered and attempt to fight back, ineffectively and sometimes entertainingly,
when victimized
Pick on smaller kids
If the bullied child has traits familiar to either list, altering their behavior may help reduce further bullying and develop self-esteem, resiliency and empowerment - qualities that will limit further victimization. For instance, teach passive victims to respond assertively to bullies with details that include specific language and how to express confident body language, eye contact, and tone of voice. These students will also need to practice social skills and learn activities appreciated by peers.
Provocative victims also need to learn age appropriate skills. They will need help from a caring adult to become aware of behaviors that generate negative reactions from others. They may also need help with emotional management techniques.
Social skills training should be incorporated into behavior plans, classroom lessons, and IEPs (Individualized Education Plans).
Although some behaviors do perpetuate bullying, no one ever deserves to be bullied!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Cyber Bullying Case Law is Limited, But Consider Civil and Criminal Laws
Educators and administrators often ask us about case law regarding cyber bullying to help guide them in policy and procedure. As far as I know, and I research it daily, case law is limited. One law suit, now in progress, is slowly developing (read article: Evidence of Megan Meier's death will be permitted in Lori Drew's cyber-bullying trial)
Regardless of case law, school personnel need to respond if a student harasses or bullies another student(s) using the school computer/internet system. A school also needs to be involved even if the cyber bullying was initiated off campus, but interrupts learning on campus. This is referred to as an off-campus/on-campus nexus.
A real challenge for administrators and teachers is when one student bullies another student online, but there is no connection to school computer use or an on-campus/off-campus nexus. They struggle when confronted by a parent of a student who is being bullied by another student at the school. Simply put, a distressed parent does not want to hear “The bully didn’t use a school computer, there is no nexus and therefore there is nothing we can do or required to do.”
In such situations, we do have some recommendations. First, we believe all schools should be preemptive and should teach all students, staff and parents about the different types of bullying, how to address it as a target, bystander, or parent, and consequences of bullying. This won’t stop all bullying from occurring, but can limit its affects.
Also, when necessary, and as appropriate, share the following information, which I have cut and paste from a document titled Educator’s Guide to Cyberbullying and Cyberthreats by Nancy Willard, M.S., J.D. Note that this is not legal advice, but information to consider.
Civil Litigation
When should parents of a target consider civil litigation against the bully and parents of the
bully?
Civil laws provide the ability for cyberbully victims to sue the bully and the bully’s parents to recover financial damages for injuries or require actions, such as removal of material and discontinuation of cyberbullying. Some cyberbullying activities meet the standards for what is called an intentional “tort” (wrongdoing).
In many jurisdictions, there are parental liability laws that allow someone who is intentionally injured by a minor to hold the parents of that minor financially responsible. Parents can also be found negligent in failing to provide reasonable supervision of their child. If a school official notifies parents that their child is cyberbullying another and the cyberbullying continues, this can provide an enhanced ability to hold the parent’s financially liable. Informing the parents of the cyberbully about this potential is likely the strongest “motivation” school officials can use to ensure that the cyberbullying stops.
Depending on the facts, the following legal actions might be possible:
• Defamation. Someone publishes a false statement about a person that damages his or her reputation.
• Invasion of privacy/public disclosure of a private fact. Someone publicly discloses a
private fact about a person under conditions that would be highly offensive to a reasonable person.
• Invasion of personal privacy/false light. Publicly disclosing information that places an individual in a false light.
• Intentional infliction of emotional distress. Someone’s intentional actions are outrageous and intolerable and have caused extreme distress.
An attorney can send a letter to the bully’s parents and seek informal resolution or file a lawsuit.
Criminal Law
When should a school contact, or assist a parent in contacting, law enforcement officials?
Extremely harmful online speech can violate criminal laws. The following kinds of speech can lead to arrest and prosecution:
• Making threats of violence to people or their property.
• Engaging in coercion (trying to force someone to do something he or she doesn’t want to do).
• Making obscene or harassing telephone calls (this includes text messaging).
• Harassment or stalking.
• Hate or bias crimes.
• Creating or sending sexually explicit images of teens (this is child pornography).
• Sexual exploitation.
• Taking a photo of someone in place where privacy is expected (like a locker room)
At Balance Educational Services, we teach students, staff and parents how to avoid on-going bullying, and hope that a situation never gets so severe that law enforcement has to be involved. However, educating people that bullying or harassing someone online may lead to legal liability can be a good deterrent to a bully and/or motivate the parents of a cyberbully to provide more supervision.
If anyone is familiar with case law regarding cyberbullying, please let us know.
Thanks.
Regardless of case law, school personnel need to respond if a student harasses or bullies another student(s) using the school computer/internet system. A school also needs to be involved even if the cyber bullying was initiated off campus, but interrupts learning on campus. This is referred to as an off-campus/on-campus nexus.
A real challenge for administrators and teachers is when one student bullies another student online, but there is no connection to school computer use or an on-campus/off-campus nexus. They struggle when confronted by a parent of a student who is being bullied by another student at the school. Simply put, a distressed parent does not want to hear “The bully didn’t use a school computer, there is no nexus and therefore there is nothing we can do or required to do.”
In such situations, we do have some recommendations. First, we believe all schools should be preemptive and should teach all students, staff and parents about the different types of bullying, how to address it as a target, bystander, or parent, and consequences of bullying. This won’t stop all bullying from occurring, but can limit its affects.
Also, when necessary, and as appropriate, share the following information, which I have cut and paste from a document titled Educator’s Guide to Cyberbullying and Cyberthreats by Nancy Willard, M.S., J.D. Note that this is not legal advice, but information to consider.
Civil Litigation
When should parents of a target consider civil litigation against the bully and parents of the
bully?
Civil laws provide the ability for cyberbully victims to sue the bully and the bully’s parents to recover financial damages for injuries or require actions, such as removal of material and discontinuation of cyberbullying. Some cyberbullying activities meet the standards for what is called an intentional “tort” (wrongdoing).
In many jurisdictions, there are parental liability laws that allow someone who is intentionally injured by a minor to hold the parents of that minor financially responsible. Parents can also be found negligent in failing to provide reasonable supervision of their child. If a school official notifies parents that their child is cyberbullying another and the cyberbullying continues, this can provide an enhanced ability to hold the parent’s financially liable. Informing the parents of the cyberbully about this potential is likely the strongest “motivation” school officials can use to ensure that the cyberbullying stops.
Depending on the facts, the following legal actions might be possible:
• Defamation. Someone publishes a false statement about a person that damages his or her reputation.
• Invasion of privacy/public disclosure of a private fact. Someone publicly discloses a
private fact about a person under conditions that would be highly offensive to a reasonable person.
• Invasion of personal privacy/false light. Publicly disclosing information that places an individual in a false light.
• Intentional infliction of emotional distress. Someone’s intentional actions are outrageous and intolerable and have caused extreme distress.
An attorney can send a letter to the bully’s parents and seek informal resolution or file a lawsuit.
Criminal Law
When should a school contact, or assist a parent in contacting, law enforcement officials?
Extremely harmful online speech can violate criminal laws. The following kinds of speech can lead to arrest and prosecution:
• Making threats of violence to people or their property.
• Engaging in coercion (trying to force someone to do something he or she doesn’t want to do).
• Making obscene or harassing telephone calls (this includes text messaging).
• Harassment or stalking.
• Hate or bias crimes.
• Creating or sending sexually explicit images of teens (this is child pornography).
• Sexual exploitation.
• Taking a photo of someone in place where privacy is expected (like a locker room)
At Balance Educational Services, we teach students, staff and parents how to avoid on-going bullying, and hope that a situation never gets so severe that law enforcement has to be involved. However, educating people that bullying or harassing someone online may lead to legal liability can be a good deterrent to a bully and/or motivate the parents of a cyberbully to provide more supervision.
If anyone is familiar with case law regarding cyberbullying, please let us know.
Thanks.
Steve
Friday, November 14, 2008
Brain Scans Show Bullies May Enjoy Watching Pain
Recently, I read the article Brain Scans Show Bullies May Enjoy Watching Pain. The study, using sophisticated fMRI technology, suggested that kids who bully derive pleasure from others pain.
I’m completely in favor or research to gain greater insight into the dynamics of bullying and determine new strategies to reduce violence and increase empathy and respect. Unfortunately, I don’t think the information of this study, as publicized, is all that relevant in terms of bullying. The researchers studied the brain activity of 8 teenagers with aggressive Conduct Disorder (CD) and another 8 matched controls that did not show symptoms of CD, while they watched animated scenes showing people in pain and not in pain. All the subjects were boys between 16 and 18 years of age.
Conduct disorder is described as a group of behavioral and emotional problems in youngsters. Children and adolescents with this disorder have great difficulty following rules and behaving in a socially acceptable way. They are often viewed by other children, adults and social agencies as "bad" or delinquent, rather than mentally ill. Many factors may contribute to a child developing conduct disorder, including brain damage, child abuse, genetic vulnerability, school failure, and traumatic life experiences.
People with this disorder have a very serious issue and special needs. However, they do not make up the majority of kids who bully. Conduct disorder only affects 1 to 4 percent of 9- to 17-year-olds.
Bullying shows itself in many different forms (physical, verbal, cyber and relational), is common among male and female of all ages and is expressed for many different reasons. It is a behavior that meets a need which can include, but not be limited to, a desire to be popular, a leader, considered funny, impress peers, or seek revenge. If the behavior is reinforced with success in meeting the need of the child, the behavior will continue. The study focused specifically on how the subjects reacted when viewing physical types of distress in others. However, physical bullying is the least common type of bullying. And aggressive behavior by kids with conduct disorder is only one small fraction of those guilty of bullying.
This study seemed to get a lot of publicity with its headlines, but I would caution about thinking that it offers any new important insights into the general bullying dynamic. I think it’s too early to equate it with bullying at all. This study was too limited in scope to be of any real value in bully prevention strategies. I think it was way too early to even publish this study, especially in regards to new insights about bullying, but I do hope they continue the research.
What do you think?
Steve
I’m completely in favor or research to gain greater insight into the dynamics of bullying and determine new strategies to reduce violence and increase empathy and respect. Unfortunately, I don’t think the information of this study, as publicized, is all that relevant in terms of bullying. The researchers studied the brain activity of 8 teenagers with aggressive Conduct Disorder (CD) and another 8 matched controls that did not show symptoms of CD, while they watched animated scenes showing people in pain and not in pain. All the subjects were boys between 16 and 18 years of age.
Conduct disorder is described as a group of behavioral and emotional problems in youngsters. Children and adolescents with this disorder have great difficulty following rules and behaving in a socially acceptable way. They are often viewed by other children, adults and social agencies as "bad" or delinquent, rather than mentally ill. Many factors may contribute to a child developing conduct disorder, including brain damage, child abuse, genetic vulnerability, school failure, and traumatic life experiences.
People with this disorder have a very serious issue and special needs. However, they do not make up the majority of kids who bully. Conduct disorder only affects 1 to 4 percent of 9- to 17-year-olds.
Bullying shows itself in many different forms (physical, verbal, cyber and relational), is common among male and female of all ages and is expressed for many different reasons. It is a behavior that meets a need which can include, but not be limited to, a desire to be popular, a leader, considered funny, impress peers, or seek revenge. If the behavior is reinforced with success in meeting the need of the child, the behavior will continue. The study focused specifically on how the subjects reacted when viewing physical types of distress in others. However, physical bullying is the least common type of bullying. And aggressive behavior by kids with conduct disorder is only one small fraction of those guilty of bullying.
This study seemed to get a lot of publicity with its headlines, but I would caution about thinking that it offers any new important insights into the general bullying dynamic. I think it’s too early to equate it with bullying at all. This study was too limited in scope to be of any real value in bully prevention strategies. I think it was way too early to even publish this study, especially in regards to new insights about bullying, but I do hope they continue the research.
What do you think?
Steve
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Anti-bullying laws--help or hinder
Last month, we at www.BalanceEducationalServices.com, sent a newsletter to some of our readers concerning their states' bullying laws. One of our readers, a principal, commented about a proposed anti-bullying law.
Our reader stated "...Please realize that school personnel are working as hard as possible to deal with the problem in schools. There is nothing a law can do other than to create more paperwork and red tape, thus reducing the time that educators are able to actually work with kids. Probably the biggest help that a legislature could offer for this problem would be a law regulating kids' access to media offerings that model bullying behaviors. But the law that was proposed in Massachusetts simply added more requirements for schools to write and file reports about anti-bullying plans, thus adding yet another layer of paperwork and reducing the time I can spend actually working with kids and teachers."
I commented back thanking her for her insightful comments and I have thought about what she wrote. She was right that a law which creates more paperwork and red tape and takes away valuable teaching time would be counterproductive. On the other hand, a law that requires staff to intervene or report bullying to a higher authority when witnessed, would go a long way in lessening incidents of bullying. A law that requires staff to be appropriately trained in bully prevention techniques would be even more beneficial. At times it may feel unnecessary to have a law requiring such common sense actions as having staff intervene or be appropriately trained to stop inappropriate behavior. Unfortunately, too may staff members are not responding to bullying in an effective way, mostly due to lack of training. It is equally unfortunate that many schools and school districts would not provide appropriate training for their staff unless prompted to by law. Another layer of paperwork doesn’t help anyone. Another layer of training, especially for our paraprofessionals, aides, and bus drivers, the ones who are more likely to witness bullying, is invaluable.
I thanked her for her insightful comments. And thanked her for the good work she and her staff do on behalf of students.
What did you think about anti-bullying laws? Help or hinder? Post your comments now. Mike
Our reader stated "...Please realize that school personnel are working as hard as possible to deal with the problem in schools. There is nothing a law can do other than to create more paperwork and red tape, thus reducing the time that educators are able to actually work with kids. Probably the biggest help that a legislature could offer for this problem would be a law regulating kids' access to media offerings that model bullying behaviors. But the law that was proposed in Massachusetts simply added more requirements for schools to write and file reports about anti-bullying plans, thus adding yet another layer of paperwork and reducing the time I can spend actually working with kids and teachers."
I commented back thanking her for her insightful comments and I have thought about what she wrote. She was right that a law which creates more paperwork and red tape and takes away valuable teaching time would be counterproductive. On the other hand, a law that requires staff to intervene or report bullying to a higher authority when witnessed, would go a long way in lessening incidents of bullying. A law that requires staff to be appropriately trained in bully prevention techniques would be even more beneficial. At times it may feel unnecessary to have a law requiring such common sense actions as having staff intervene or be appropriately trained to stop inappropriate behavior. Unfortunately, too may staff members are not responding to bullying in an effective way, mostly due to lack of training. It is equally unfortunate that many schools and school districts would not provide appropriate training for their staff unless prompted to by law. Another layer of paperwork doesn’t help anyone. Another layer of training, especially for our paraprofessionals, aides, and bus drivers, the ones who are more likely to witness bullying, is invaluable.
I thanked her for her insightful comments. And thanked her for the good work she and her staff do on behalf of students.
What did you think about anti-bullying laws? Help or hinder? Post your comments now. Mike
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Study: Aggressive kids from poor homes get bullied
Some children become chronically victimized early in their social development by their peers, and this may be more common in children who were aggressive in infancy, are from families with harsh parenting styles and insufficient income, according to an article released on October 6, 2008 in Archives of General Psychiatry, one of the JAMA/Archives journals (full article: How And Why Certain Children Receive Chronic Peer Abuse)
For me, this study is a reminder that common punitive consequences to bullying behavior or simplistic suggestions to targets of bullying (“just stand up to the bully”) are often meaningless. In many cases, the issues that cause someone to be aggressive or passive to such a point that they are chronically bullied have deep underlying causes. When an adult is working with a child who shows ongoing behaviors that perpetuate bullying, either as a bully or target, a deeper look into the background of the child can determine an effective plan of action to change the behavior that perpetuates the bullying.
A child’s personal history can’t be changed and a teacher may not be able to change the family dynamics, but a focused, well considered plan of action to teach pro-social behaviors to a child can effect his/her future. Taking this time is often difficult for many educators, considering all their responsibilities, but looking into a child's history, teaching pro-social skills, respect, citizenship, making healthy choices, etc. are part of each state’s education curriculum. It takes more time in the short run, but saves time, energy, resources, and frustration later.
This article focused mostly on insights into the commonality of those children who are chronically targeted. These children need assistance in understanding why they are abused and how to be assertive, be provided opportunities to enhance their self-esteem and develop healthy friendships and support systems. If they do not learn these skills, the abuse gets worse and often they become victims of domestic violence – dating/marrying aggressive people. On a similar note, some of these chronic targets develop a passive-aggressive style of behavior which is also inappropriate.
That got me thinking about aggressive children. Children who bully easy targets because they want to be the leader or ‘in charge’ need to learn how to accomplish that goal by gaining the respect of peers, as opposed to being feared by their peers. Those who use insulting humor to enhance a reputation of being funny (making bystanders laugh) need to learn how to be funny without being hurtful. This can be a tough skill to learn and master considering that put-downs and insults are a common comedic device on TV (a powerful role-model), but it can be done. Educators and parents need to remember that chronic bullies and targets need extra time learning respectful, pro-social skills like others need extra time learning math.
Studies, like the one referenced above, show that time and effort is being used to gain greater insight into the issue of bullying and that will lead to solutions. Children who learn how to get their needs met in a pro-social manner will become peaceful and respectful adults in the workplace and community. Politicians often mention the importance of learning math and science to be competitive in the global economy. I think it’s also important to balance that with happy, healthy, peaceful people.
I also suggest these articles regarding this study:
Why Some Kids Are Bullied From the Start (health.usnews.com)
Schoolyard Bullying: Which Kids Are Most Vulnerable? (http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1850405,00.htm)
Steve
For ideas on how to teach pro-social skills, check out our book, How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression
For me, this study is a reminder that common punitive consequences to bullying behavior or simplistic suggestions to targets of bullying (“just stand up to the bully”) are often meaningless. In many cases, the issues that cause someone to be aggressive or passive to such a point that they are chronically bullied have deep underlying causes. When an adult is working with a child who shows ongoing behaviors that perpetuate bullying, either as a bully or target, a deeper look into the background of the child can determine an effective plan of action to change the behavior that perpetuates the bullying.
A child’s personal history can’t be changed and a teacher may not be able to change the family dynamics, but a focused, well considered plan of action to teach pro-social behaviors to a child can effect his/her future. Taking this time is often difficult for many educators, considering all their responsibilities, but looking into a child's history, teaching pro-social skills, respect, citizenship, making healthy choices, etc. are part of each state’s education curriculum. It takes more time in the short run, but saves time, energy, resources, and frustration later.
This article focused mostly on insights into the commonality of those children who are chronically targeted. These children need assistance in understanding why they are abused and how to be assertive, be provided opportunities to enhance their self-esteem and develop healthy friendships and support systems. If they do not learn these skills, the abuse gets worse and often they become victims of domestic violence – dating/marrying aggressive people. On a similar note, some of these chronic targets develop a passive-aggressive style of behavior which is also inappropriate.
That got me thinking about aggressive children. Children who bully easy targets because they want to be the leader or ‘in charge’ need to learn how to accomplish that goal by gaining the respect of peers, as opposed to being feared by their peers. Those who use insulting humor to enhance a reputation of being funny (making bystanders laugh) need to learn how to be funny without being hurtful. This can be a tough skill to learn and master considering that put-downs and insults are a common comedic device on TV (a powerful role-model), but it can be done. Educators and parents need to remember that chronic bullies and targets need extra time learning respectful, pro-social skills like others need extra time learning math.
Studies, like the one referenced above, show that time and effort is being used to gain greater insight into the issue of bullying and that will lead to solutions. Children who learn how to get their needs met in a pro-social manner will become peaceful and respectful adults in the workplace and community. Politicians often mention the importance of learning math and science to be competitive in the global economy. I think it’s also important to balance that with happy, healthy, peaceful people.
I also suggest these articles regarding this study:
Why Some Kids Are Bullied From the Start (health.usnews.com)
Schoolyard Bullying: Which Kids Are Most Vulnerable? (http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1850405,00.htm)
Steve
For ideas on how to teach pro-social skills, check out our book, How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Celebrities Who Admit Bullying Help Prevent Bullying (or Celebrities Who Were Bullied, Part 2)
Bullying is a hot topic. Stories of celebrities who have been bullied are even hotter. Olympic champ Michael Phelps’ childhood bullying issues had international interest. Even Barack Obama got in on it, mentioning the issue of bullying in his presidential nominee acceptance speech (I know, he’s not a celebrity, just a politician). Why are people fascinated with discovering famous people who were bullied?
Do people who have been bullied want to know who else shared their fate, i.e., misery loves company? Or maybe it’s nice to know that someone successful had been beaten down and yet rose beyond the experience. In other words, maybe if you were bullied you really can have the last laugh. Or maybe we just love gossip and it fulfills a voyeuristic tendency to hear another tidbit about a famous person.
But is there any real value to having the public know that Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice, one-fifth of one of the biggest girl-groups in music history) was bullied in school? Recently she said, “People would push me around, say they were going to beat me up after school, chase me. It was miserable, my whole schooling, miserable. I tried to be friends with people, but I didn't fit in. So I kept myself to myself.” Perhaps there is value to these conversations.
Perhaps reports that one of Rosario Dawson’s worst memories is getting all dressed up for a school activity and having the girls “pick on me because I was flat chested” brings more awareness to the issue of bullying and social aggression. Some may think, “Who cares?” but such discussions about formerly unmentioned topics have a history of making major cultural changes.
Weeks after Betty Ford became First Lady, she underwent a mastectomy for breast cancer – and discussed it publicly. Later on she talked about her alcoholism and drug addictions. In the 1970s and 80s, sharing these issues with the public was considered very risky. Her openness about both previously taboo topics made headlines and the public decided that she was incredibly brave and heroic. The culture of the time could have judged her negatively, but she was embraced. She was a First Lady, yet as vulnerable as a common citizen. It became acceptable for the average person to discuss these issues and get help. No longer were breast cancer and addiction ignored until they killed. People began to get help.
A few years later, Oprah Winfrey talked about being sexually abused as a child. She even discussed being impregnated by an abuser when she was fourteen (the child died shortly after birth). Aside from fascinating news, people admired this celebrity who was willing to bring these once shameful admissions out in the open to help others avoid the same fate. Child abuse, sexual and otherwise, is now discussed with children to limit such abuse. And survivors of abuse can understand they are victims and seek the support they need.
A few years ago, baseball great Joe Torre talked to reporters about his experience with domestic violence. His father, a respected NYC police detective was a physically abusive husband and an emotionally abusive father. Fans and non-fans were fascinated with this aspect of this athlete’s life. Joe wasn’t the first athlete to experience such abuse but it was Joe who used his status and resources to create the Safe at Home Foundation. The Foundation’s mission is "educating to end the cycle of domestic violence and save lives." Public interest with this man’s experience with bullying (domestic violence is a type of bullying) has led to publicizing the issue and working to end it.
So when I hear about Chester Bennington of the rock group Linkin Park say he was, “knocked around like a rag doll at school for being skinny and looking different,” it can resonate with a lot of kids. It’s another reminder that bullying hurts and it’s not cool. I especially appreciate super model Tyra Banks discussing the issue of bullying and reminding girls that gossiping, deceiving and manipulating is very unfashionable. She tells the following story: "I spent the whole year working on this model show which deals with outer beauty, but three of the prettiest girls left first. It's about personalities. Personality and who you are is so important. If you're pretty but you're ugly inside, you're ugly outside too."
Schools and parents need to impart many bully prevention strategies to stop kids from abusing others. I think that celebrities talking about their bullying experience are now part of the list. Pop culture heroes have incredible influence over young people. When these celebrities bring up the topic, it is an opportunity for other adults to discuss with young people the importance of respect and tolerance for all.
What I haven’t encountered are stories about celebrities who were bullies. Do you know of any?
Steve
Do people who have been bullied want to know who else shared their fate, i.e., misery loves company? Or maybe it’s nice to know that someone successful had been beaten down and yet rose beyond the experience. In other words, maybe if you were bullied you really can have the last laugh. Or maybe we just love gossip and it fulfills a voyeuristic tendency to hear another tidbit about a famous person.
But is there any real value to having the public know that Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice, one-fifth of one of the biggest girl-groups in music history) was bullied in school? Recently she said, “People would push me around, say they were going to beat me up after school, chase me. It was miserable, my whole schooling, miserable. I tried to be friends with people, but I didn't fit in. So I kept myself to myself.” Perhaps there is value to these conversations.
Perhaps reports that one of Rosario Dawson’s worst memories is getting all dressed up for a school activity and having the girls “pick on me because I was flat chested” brings more awareness to the issue of bullying and social aggression. Some may think, “Who cares?” but such discussions about formerly unmentioned topics have a history of making major cultural changes.
Weeks after Betty Ford became First Lady, she underwent a mastectomy for breast cancer – and discussed it publicly. Later on she talked about her alcoholism and drug addictions. In the 1970s and 80s, sharing these issues with the public was considered very risky. Her openness about both previously taboo topics made headlines and the public decided that she was incredibly brave and heroic. The culture of the time could have judged her negatively, but she was embraced. She was a First Lady, yet as vulnerable as a common citizen. It became acceptable for the average person to discuss these issues and get help. No longer were breast cancer and addiction ignored until they killed. People began to get help.
A few years later, Oprah Winfrey talked about being sexually abused as a child. She even discussed being impregnated by an abuser when she was fourteen (the child died shortly after birth). Aside from fascinating news, people admired this celebrity who was willing to bring these once shameful admissions out in the open to help others avoid the same fate. Child abuse, sexual and otherwise, is now discussed with children to limit such abuse. And survivors of abuse can understand they are victims and seek the support they need.
A few years ago, baseball great Joe Torre talked to reporters about his experience with domestic violence. His father, a respected NYC police detective was a physically abusive husband and an emotionally abusive father. Fans and non-fans were fascinated with this aspect of this athlete’s life. Joe wasn’t the first athlete to experience such abuse but it was Joe who used his status and resources to create the Safe at Home Foundation. The Foundation’s mission is "educating to end the cycle of domestic violence and save lives." Public interest with this man’s experience with bullying (domestic violence is a type of bullying) has led to publicizing the issue and working to end it.
So when I hear about Chester Bennington of the rock group Linkin Park say he was, “knocked around like a rag doll at school for being skinny and looking different,” it can resonate with a lot of kids. It’s another reminder that bullying hurts and it’s not cool. I especially appreciate super model Tyra Banks discussing the issue of bullying and reminding girls that gossiping, deceiving and manipulating is very unfashionable. She tells the following story: "I spent the whole year working on this model show which deals with outer beauty, but three of the prettiest girls left first. It's about personalities. Personality and who you are is so important. If you're pretty but you're ugly inside, you're ugly outside too."
Schools and parents need to impart many bully prevention strategies to stop kids from abusing others. I think that celebrities talking about their bullying experience are now part of the list. Pop culture heroes have incredible influence over young people. When these celebrities bring up the topic, it is an opportunity for other adults to discuss with young people the importance of respect and tolerance for all.
What I haven’t encountered are stories about celebrities who were bullies. Do you know of any?
Steve
Saturday, September 20, 2008
YouTube Joins Forces to Stop Cyber Bullying
In a much welcomed move, YouTube has announced that it will no longer host video of school fights. The video uploading giant has pulled school fight video and is asking site users to help police the site. What brings this great change about? Thank the Vallejo City Unified School District of Vallejo, California.
Look back at my last blog, School Approves Cyber Bullying Ban, and you'll see that on Wednesday, the Vallejo City USD Board of Directors unanimously passed a new policy that specifically bans the recording of school fights. As a follow up, Vallejo school officials sent a letter to YouTube asking that they remove all school fight videos. Happily, YouTube has agreed.
Kudos to the Vallejo City USD and YouTube.
Karen
Look back at my last blog, School Approves Cyber Bullying Ban, and you'll see that on Wednesday, the Vallejo City USD Board of Directors unanimously passed a new policy that specifically bans the recording of school fights. As a follow up, Vallejo school officials sent a letter to YouTube asking that they remove all school fight videos. Happily, YouTube has agreed.
Kudos to the Vallejo City USD and YouTube.
Karen
Thursday, September 18, 2008
School Approves Cyber Bullying Ban
Yesterday, the Vallejo City Unified School District Board of Directors, in Vallejo, California, voted unanimously to approve a new policy designed to stop students from recording fights with their camera cell phones and then posting them on-line at sites such as YouTube. The new policy also aims to prevent alternate forms of cell phone related cyber bullying, such as abusive text messages.
Case law already addresses this issue, so is this new policy necessary? I think it is.
Case law involving the off campus/on campus nexus states that schools must address any incident which creates a hostile environment or impacts learning, whether or not the incident occurs on or off the school campus. This is all fine and good, but the Vallejo City USD policy specifically lays out rules regarding cell phone use on campus. In doing so, it spells out what is and is not acceptable, along with the consequences. In other words, students and parents now have a clear understanding of what the expectation is, and staff have a clear understanding of what their response should be. To me, clearly defined expectations and consequences are much more effective in changing school climate than case law, which is ususally unknown to students and parents.
What do you think? How does your school address this growing problem?
Karen
Case law already addresses this issue, so is this new policy necessary? I think it is.
Case law involving the off campus/on campus nexus states that schools must address any incident which creates a hostile environment or impacts learning, whether or not the incident occurs on or off the school campus. This is all fine and good, but the Vallejo City USD policy specifically lays out rules regarding cell phone use on campus. In doing so, it spells out what is and is not acceptable, along with the consequences. In other words, students and parents now have a clear understanding of what the expectation is, and staff have a clear understanding of what their response should be. To me, clearly defined expectations and consequences are much more effective in changing school climate than case law, which is ususally unknown to students and parents.
What do you think? How does your school address this growing problem?
Karen
Monday, September 15, 2008
Teaching Your Kids How to Respond to a Bully
Mike and I present bully prevention workshops for parents throughout the country. We provide best practices that are effective, safe and empowering. Our experience has been that when it comes to their kids getting bullied, most parents understand that a physical response or verbal comeback does more harm than good.
Of course, they want to know what to suggest to their child to stop the bullying while maintaining safety and self-esteem. Many parents are familiar with suggestions such as ignore verbal taunts, walk away when someone is bothering you and telling the bully, “Stop.” They ask if these are valid strategies.
The answer is yes, they are effective strategies -- when done correctly. The key to success is the details and practice. We teach the detail of these strategies through role-playing (very effective and a lot of fun for Mike as he gets to bully me).
When I role-play ignoring or walking away from Mike the Bully, I do it without showing emotion or gesturing in any manner that will reinforce him. My style expresses confidence and a refusal to get caught in his trap. I show the audience how to “be boring” so the bully just gives up. Simply put, I’m no fun to bully.
And when I choose to tell the bully to “Stop” or “Cut it out,” I keep a distance of 1.5 - 2 arm lengths while making eye contact and using strong body language and tone of voice. Strong body language means my head is up, my back straight and my hands are by my sides or down in front. I limit any extra movement in my body, head and eyes. My tone of voice is controlled, yet neutral; it expresses seriousness and confidence.
Although the suggestions aren’t necessarily new to our audience, our “show” demonstrates the details of these strategies and parents literally see the importance of role-playing bullying scenarios with their child in a safe environment. Role-playing is vital for children to be confident that when they are in an actual bullying situation, and there is real emotion involved, they can respond effectively to stop the bullying.
Ultimately, audience members say, “This is great stuff! I’ve been writing notes on your handouts, but do you have those details in a book?” In the past, we’d respond, “We’re working on it.” As most of our readers know, our book, How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression, is now available. Although written for educators, each lesson and activity can be taught, discussed and practiced at home between parent and child(ren). Chapter 5, Teaching Assertiveness and Chapter 6, Responding to a Bully, detail these strategies in an easy to read manner with fun activities to practice.
Thanks for asking and as always, we look forward to your feedback.
Steve
For more information on how to prevent bullying, visit the bullying experts at http://www.balanceeducationalservices.com/index.html.
Of course, they want to know what to suggest to their child to stop the bullying while maintaining safety and self-esteem. Many parents are familiar with suggestions such as ignore verbal taunts, walk away when someone is bothering you and telling the bully, “Stop.” They ask if these are valid strategies.
The answer is yes, they are effective strategies -- when done correctly. The key to success is the details and practice. We teach the detail of these strategies through role-playing (very effective and a lot of fun for Mike as he gets to bully me).
When I role-play ignoring or walking away from Mike the Bully, I do it without showing emotion or gesturing in any manner that will reinforce him. My style expresses confidence and a refusal to get caught in his trap. I show the audience how to “be boring” so the bully just gives up. Simply put, I’m no fun to bully.
And when I choose to tell the bully to “Stop” or “Cut it out,” I keep a distance of 1.5 - 2 arm lengths while making eye contact and using strong body language and tone of voice. Strong body language means my head is up, my back straight and my hands are by my sides or down in front. I limit any extra movement in my body, head and eyes. My tone of voice is controlled, yet neutral; it expresses seriousness and confidence.
Although the suggestions aren’t necessarily new to our audience, our “show” demonstrates the details of these strategies and parents literally see the importance of role-playing bullying scenarios with their child in a safe environment. Role-playing is vital for children to be confident that when they are in an actual bullying situation, and there is real emotion involved, they can respond effectively to stop the bullying.
Ultimately, audience members say, “This is great stuff! I’ve been writing notes on your handouts, but do you have those details in a book?” In the past, we’d respond, “We’re working on it.” As most of our readers know, our book, How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression, is now available. Although written for educators, each lesson and activity can be taught, discussed and practiced at home between parent and child(ren). Chapter 5, Teaching Assertiveness and Chapter 6, Responding to a Bully, detail these strategies in an easy to read manner with fun activities to practice.
Thanks for asking and as always, we look forward to your feedback.
Steve
For more information on how to prevent bullying, visit the bullying experts at http://www.balanceeducationalservices.com/index.html.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Celebrities who were bullied
Hello Everyone,
I came across this link to celebrities who were bullied. Not really sure what to make of it. Thoughts???
Mike
http://www.usmagazine.com/photos/celebs-who-were-bullied
I came across this link to celebrities who were bullied. Not really sure what to make of it. Thoughts???
Mike
http://www.usmagazine.com/photos/celebs-who-were-bullied
Schools, Cell Phones and Cyber-Bullying
Many schools struggle with policy regarding the use of cell phones by students. Concerns range from using it during teaching time, cheating on tests and cyber-bullying. Some students and parents claim it is important for them to have cell phones to contact parents. The bottom line is the almost everyone has a cell phone these days. Presently, many schools are reconsidering their ‘no cell phones’ policy. (At least) one high school in VT said they have bigger issues to deal with than to fight a losing battle in regard to banning cell phones. The school administration has decided that students will be allowed to have them, but it will be confiscated if used at inappropriate times. Click here to read the article entitled “MAU to allow cell phones; admits enforcement failure.”
This decision was hotly debated at a school board meeting. Overall, board members would prefer no cell phones in school, but accept that the new policy was realistic and made sense. Of course, there was some dissent. One board member said “I hope (parents) would say, 'Don't bring your God damn cell phones to school,'" He also added that he does not own a cell phone and never will.
In my opinion this person is out of touch with millions of teens, tweens and adults. Cell phones are a part of the culture and some variation of them will continue for the foreseeable future. Banning cell phones just won’t work, as this school has indicated. Students will find a way to have and use them during the school day. And if they use it ‘under the radar,” there is an even greater chance they will use it inappropriately.
I think schools need to deal with reality. Teaching students how and when to use their phones respectfully is a skill they will need throughout their lives, especially in the workplace. School staff have an opportunity they need to take advantage of. With student input, staff can and should create logical cell phone usage rules and consequences that can be respected by all. Like it or not, schools have to deal with the issue and need to work with the culture. It’s a great opportunity to teach our young people cultural rules and respect.
Steve
For more strategies to teach proper use of cell phones in school, contact me at Steve@BalanceEducationalServices.com
This decision was hotly debated at a school board meeting. Overall, board members would prefer no cell phones in school, but accept that the new policy was realistic and made sense. Of course, there was some dissent. One board member said “I hope (parents) would say, 'Don't bring your God damn cell phones to school,'" He also added that he does not own a cell phone and never will.
In my opinion this person is out of touch with millions of teens, tweens and adults. Cell phones are a part of the culture and some variation of them will continue for the foreseeable future. Banning cell phones just won’t work, as this school has indicated. Students will find a way to have and use them during the school day. And if they use it ‘under the radar,” there is an even greater chance they will use it inappropriately.
I think schools need to deal with reality. Teaching students how and when to use their phones respectfully is a skill they will need throughout their lives, especially in the workplace. School staff have an opportunity they need to take advantage of. With student input, staff can and should create logical cell phone usage rules and consequences that can be respected by all. Like it or not, schools have to deal with the issue and need to work with the culture. It’s a great opportunity to teach our young people cultural rules and respect.
Steve
For more strategies to teach proper use of cell phones in school, contact me at Steve@BalanceEducationalServices.com
Friday, September 5, 2008
How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression Top Rated
We just received an update from our publisher Corwin Press; our book received top rankings as one of the most viewed books in August! How to Stop Bullying and Social Aggression: Elementary Grade Lessons and Activites That Teach Empathy, Friendship and Respect encourages respectful, positive-social behavior in all students! A user-friendly resource that offers fun and meaningful interactive lessons and activities that support student safety and well-being, promote healthy social-emotional development, and improve academic achievement, the book includes:
- Step-by-step guidelines for each activity
- Sidebars, sample scripts, and icons that hightlight important information
- A supply list of common classroom items for quick and easy implementation
- Suggestions for enhancing lessons
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